Left in shades of grey

I understand the solution, I hold the key, I know the answer, yet I sabotage me, as I open the door, and exit the car, invisible strings pull me back, but I've already gone too far. 
You let me in, smile to my face, hand me the wrapped foil, as I take my place, on the moth-eaten mattress, laid on the floor, over-used and dilapidated, a place of squalor. 
I tear off an aluminum sheet, and light it from below, shiny side down, I condition it slow, blacker than black, I know it's done, roll up a straw, and ignore what I've become. 
As I unwrap the foil package, to reveal hard white rocks, cutting them into smaller pieces, my conscience mocks, "today is your last, as was the day before, self-deceit second nature, maybe I won't want more".
As this thought flashes, through my mind, I spark the lighter, and begin to unwind, 
numbing, 
dumbing, 
running, 
still. 
There's nothing left for my brain to fill. Finally, I am granted, an empty thought, and as my reality becomes distorted, the dragon cannot be caught.
He dances in wisps, above the flame, one toke, two tokes, it's all the same, leading me away, to another place, where there is no judgement, I don't have to save face. 
Stuck somewhere in between, lost in a place I had never been, i felt myself hanging, by a thread, insides rotting, I had joined the walking dead. 
Soul still not black, my job wasn't done, self-hate and destruction, games I played for fun. 
Fixated on the mirror,  Looking at a ghost, was the one person I needed, the one I detest the most. Staring back with empty, lifeless eyes, my fortress slowly crumbles, and I can't escape those cries... 
Drifting mercilessly up, from somewhere deep inside, over flows the place, where they usually hide. Why not take that final step, feet edging toward the ledge, 
flying, 
falling free,
 Like a bird fully-fledged
Picking up the cold steel, pressing it to my skin, bevel face up, I slowly plunge in. Tourniquet tight, veins bulging and plumped, blood filling the barrel, I pull back and then pump. In goes the liquid, feeding into my veins, clouding reality, cloaking the numbing pain.  
Needing another dose, as you still rape my mind, images tattooed, Constant and unkind. Those cold, dead eyes and tight thin lips, I can still feel your hands, tightening their grip. Pleading for a second, "please let me go", a pathetic attempt, answered with a no. Three or four seconds, that lasted forever, mockingly comforted with, "don't worry, soon it will be over forever".  Powerless and desperate, i kept up the act, knowing the consquences, if enthusiasm lacked. Layering over your memory, as best I could, I grabbed more steel and uncapped the hood. And in that moment, I let it all go, limbs going limp, an anticipated blow.  
What had led me here, into your unsavory grasp? I knew the answers, breath coming in gasps... 
Time now suspended, a comforting abyss, like childhood innocence, an untainted bliss, before the loss of identity, a questioning of self, before the pain, the tears, the decomposition of mental health.
Expectations dictating behavior, don't stray from the herd, freedom in a cage, a concept too absurd, uniqueness and conformity, a paradoxical glitch, exclusive concepts, between the two I switch.
Smile at strangers, have a tertiary education, know when to speak, conform to expectation, ignorance is easy, imperfection overlooked, a theatrical play, to which everyone is hooked. 
But when you're alone, and the curtains have closed, the stands have emptied, and a cold wind blows, the smile fades, and unhappiness reigns, because everything else, was only feigned. 
That's why I come back, and give into the escape, a short relief, to remove my painted face, blank with stupor, cognitive function impaired, a place to rest in solitude, if only someone had cared, to patch up the cracks, and remove the gun, from my shaking hand, that wants to finish what's begun. 
The process slower, but still as deadly, as lead tearing apart my skull, when the triggers pulled steadily, self sabotage unstoppable, rescued too late, days and nights blurred, a death march toward my fate.