20 Years

“Hey, kiddo.”

I say softly as she walks into view, a warm smile already tugging on my lips. She lifts her head to meet my eyes, tilting it as she observes my face, before suddenly announcing, “You look like Grammy!” I can’t help but chuckle at her response, kneeling down so that we are eye-to-eye. I watch as she takes in my most despised parts, my double chin, thin mouth, and plump cheeks, a mix of curiosity and affection shining in her bright brown eyes.

“I guess so.” I reply quietly, a similar blend of emotions swimming with tears in mine. There are so many things I could say, so many things I want to ask, but for some reason, only one comes to mind. “Do you still want to be an astronaut when you grow up?”

The way her eyes immediately light up feels like a breath of fresh air after drowning in the dark for so long. “Yeah! I want to go to the moon and see the stars!” Her familiar reply brings a smile to my face and I pause for a moment to take in her fragile figure. Her hand barely takes up the space of my palm, her head, when standing, comes up to maybe my belly button, and her torso more or less rivals the thickness of one of my thighs. I can't help but look at her with a deep sense of awe, of quiet horror, knowing what laid in her path ahead, what truths her future held.

As if seeing right through me, she surprises me with a question of her own, her tone blunt in a way that doesn’t hurt. “Well, are you an astronaut?” While a genuine laugh escapes my lips, she just stares at me with that endearing head tilt, waiting for my reply. I shake my head slightly, both in amusement and response, though a small smile still tugs on my lips. I take a slow, deep breath while planning my next words, not wanting to lie, but in no way able to tell the truth.

“Well, not really.. But I’m working on seeing space one day, I promise.” Seeing the hint of disappointment in her eyes stings worse than I could have ever imagined, but I’m quick to recover. “I’m actually on my way to becoming a scientist, sort of like dad.” A slow smile returns to my face as wonder once again fills her tiny eyes. “Whoa, a scientist? That’s cool! So I’ll get my own lab coat one day?” Nodding slowly, I try to focus on the excitement in her gaze, and not the apprehension bubbling in my gut. There is still so much to do before I’m where she wants to be, but dammit, for her, I’ll try my best.

“Yeah, kiddo. You’ll get that lab coat one day,” Is all I can say, releasing a shuddery sigh as I pull her into my arms, grateful when she leans into the touch. One hand finds itself rubbing her small back while the other gently caresses her silky hair, holding her close for a moment to just breathe in her scent, savor her innocence. When I hear her muffled voice against my shoulder, barely audible with how tightly we’re held together— Like dad?—, I can’t help but let a tear escape.

“Yeah.. Just like dad.”