Pollyanna's Underground Etiquette Advice

Dear Pollyanna:
I was wondering, if you've recently killed a lover
(I mean, like, very recently) would it be bad etiquette
to immediately remove all his photos from your frames?
Somebody told me it was not the best idea.
What do you say?
-Rachel

Well, Rachel; congrats on solving a long-standing problem.
Offhand, I would have to say no, it would not be bad
etiquette, removing the offending photographs.
On the other hand, though there are no etiquette police that
are likely to be looking over your shoulder at what you're doing,
if any real detectives have been coming around and did chance
to see the dead one in your photo frames, and then noticed those photos
missing, it might make them suspicious. Ditto, for any close
friends who visit often enough to notice the newly vacated
spots. Aside from all that, feel free to burn the photos at
any black mass or an occasion of your own choosing, provided
you have privacy and no observers handy to record your actions.

Dear Pollyanna:
I slashed my ex-girlfriends face and threw acid in a cup
over her fresh wounds. Needless to say, she was permanently
scarred, but recovered amazingly quickly. But that was all in the past
(she didn't know it was me that done it) and I'm remarrying very soon and
would like to bury the hachet (er, knife) by inviting her to my wedding.
Would it be in bad taste to do that? Of course I'm not going to tell
her why I want her to attend.
-Tom

Tom, I would say, go ahead and invite the  - friend; just remind her
she won't be appearing in any of your wedding photos, as her
disfigurement is just too hideous to subject the other poor attendees
to, when they later look at the photo mementos of your wedding.
And if she doesn't understand I would say, just remind her that it
happened once and it could happen again- lightning does sometimes
strike twice. And have a beautiful wedding; you have truly earned it.

Dear Pollyanna:
My friend married a child-hating gentleman who promptly moved
her young children outside in the back yard and they are forced to
live there full time; cold, hot; it doesn't matter. I've noticed the poor
dears are in dreadful need of a bath. Since they never come inside,
I think it's escaped notice until now. How can I politely drop a few hints
to the parents that it's time for that yearly dunking?
-Katelyn

Obviously wrinkling up your nose and muttering 'tsk tsk' every time
the little darlings come near hasn't worked. So I would leave large jugs
of bubble bath anonymously on the front porch. Everyone knows children
can't resist a bubble bath. Hopefully Mr. I-don't-like-children will provide
a proper receptacle, to enable the bathtime to happen very soon.
If that doesn't work, I would recommend culling these people from your circle of friends,
and in future only cultivate people who allow their children to live indoors
with them, and you won't be running into this problem again very often.
Things under our noses don't escape notice as easily as a problem that's
only encountered when one occasionally has yard duties to carry out.

Dear Pollyanna:
My fiance of five years finally agreed to tie the knot. The only thing is,
he has set down certain conditions. He wants to retain his rights to sleep with
other women on the side; or even have the right to bring a second woman into
our marriage as sort of an additional common-law wife; for as long as he wants her
around. I disagree with this but I have carefully and painstakingly steered him
toward this marriage and it's been years getting him to come around and
see things my way. I was wondering, do I have any options that would be
both satisfactory and proper, etiquette-wise, to avoid this future nightmare as
he has outlined it for me? I don't know who else I can turn to with such a question.
-Linda

Linda, remember that etiquette only exists when there are groups of people who need to
get along without stepping on each others toes. As soon as the wedding reception
has ended and the last guest has left, and you are alone with your significant other,
inform him in no uncertain tones, that if you ever find him in suspicious circumstances
with any other woman of the age of consent, you will immediately drug him into paralysis and
remove his sexual organs without anesthesia. Confide in him at this time that
you found out years ago that you sleepwalk on rare occasions, and after speaking with
the family lawyer, you learned that you cannot be held responsible for anything
you do while sleepwalking, as it is your dream which is commanding you and you
cannot be liable for activities done in dreams or other states of fugue. Have handy
the case numbers of litigations and case-by-case synopsis of different examples in case he
is curious and also so that he will realize you have done your homework. This is sure
to win him over and persuade him that he is being very unreasonable.
Here's wishing for you a long and happy married life in your future.