The Unspoken Pain of My Life

I'm still grieving it, the inevitable lack of applause when I walk in a room. The inevitable silence after I share something profound. Although I don't thrive on external validation, I did give up on being loved a long time ago.

I was that girl people thought was cool, but never could get through to. I remember at 18 years old, crying because I was watching a romance movie. And knew I'd never get my happy ending. Or if I did, it would take a lot of faith to believe it.

I know why it's only Josh I love. He has the warrior gene like me, he was sexually abused by his dad, he was nerdy like me, sweet like me, fun and lighthearted like me, yet deep and dark too. He was the only person who truly understood in a way no one could ever beat. I'll never feel safe in someone else's arms. And I'm no longer lying to myself. I quit dating sites, knowing my time is up. It's over. I give up looking. I give up pretending I don't love Josh. But the insecurity is real.

I went to a church with all these pretty lights. Kids around. A family I'm never gonna have because I only love Josh. I wish people believed in love like I did. Not just letting go when the relationship inconveniences them.

I don't believe in that law of assumption bullshit. That fake think positive shit and you'll get what you want. No, I'll get what I want by actually acknowledging that society won't ever love someone like me. They'll love me from afar or admire me like a fan, but I won't be overall loved. By my friends, deeply. But life feels empty. It just feels...sad.

I know my worth, I do, but others just don't. They just don't.

I can see through the fake applause. I'm not gonna be loved like everyone else. I'll always be different. I'll always be that girl on the outside looking in. Like Mew. Happy internally. But beyond a certain sadness that I can't be a part of the party. That society is vapid and shallow. They gladly don't love me, and then gaslight me, saying, "You shouldn't be hard on yourself. You should just look at the bright side."

What bright side? Oh? Like you? Little miss loved? Little miss included? Little miss non-outcast?

People blame me for their own problems.

I'll be that skinny, pretty girl that everyone's secretly jealous of but won't admit it. I'm treated badly due to people being jealous. The fat girls want to abuse and dominate me. The other skinny girls complain that they're not original. I mean, sorry you had to fall for society's stupidity? Not my problem. So sick and tired of people pushing their own problems on me like they're mine to fix.

At this point, I want to cry alone or into Josh's soul. He's the only one who truly gets me on a soul level, and I miss him like crazy. I feel sick without him, but I'm afraid of the man who I want to be with forever.

I can't be loved, I can't be loved, I shake my head.

But I bet throughout everything, he fears the exact same thing..