My Safety

My safe world is a beautiful place...
 ...where the air smells of cotton candy...
...and all my favorite songs play...
...while I happily dance and spin!

No one shouts and no one cries in my world.
There is no fear of being touched or being beaten.
My world is safe.  
My world is my safety.

Only I can can visit MY world...
...for my own safety!
It is deep inside my head...
...and YOU can't see the pretty colors...
...but my world really does exist!

I have visited my world quite often.
I CREATED MY WORLD!
My world is safe.  
It is my safety.  My safe place.

An innocent baby girl was born into THIS world.
She grew up too fast in a life that was very hard.
Bad things happened...
...some things told...
...and some things held until the day I die and longer.

Yes, that innocent baby girl was me...
...a long time ago.
I had only myself to keep me safe.
Inside MY head...
Inside my world.  Inside my safe place.

Years passed by and some things changed.
But some things NEVER change.
I know and I bet YOU know!
Even when bad people go away or die...
...the memories still haunt you!
My memories will always haunt me.

But you can't live inside your head forever.
You have to venture outside yourself...
...into THIS world.
It is not easy to trust anyone.
It's not easy to love and feel loved.

So much of "what was" tries to overtake you.
It controls you and reminds you...
...of how you felt and how you were made to feel...
...and how you were TOLD to feel about yourself!

Too many times, in this world...
...horrible scary painful things...
...some real and some not...
...have chased me back...
...back inside my head...back inside my world.
 Back into my safe place.

Looking back, I wonder HOW...
...and I wonder WHY...
I'm even still here?
I'm not that innocent little girl anymore.
I have lost so much and I have been hurt so much.

I still have nightmares.  I always will.
Sometimes it seems like I'm right back...
...in the worst times I've ever had.
There will always be fear and doubt in my mind.  
ALWAYS!

But I am still here!
I AM A SURVIVOR!
And even though my life...
...is much much different now...
...sometimes good...sometimes bad...
I always keep MY safe world in place!
Just in case!