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Self Hatred (An Overflow)
Why am I so stupid? What the fuck is wrong with me? Nothing works. I ache so badly, an everywhere ache that’s cold at the center and boiling at the surface. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate my personality, I hate my soul. I wish someone would just kill me so I wouldn’t be left to sit in the mess I made. I can’t do anything of worth, I can’t express my feelings well. I’m mean and selfish and loud and quiet and fucked. I hate how I hope too much, I hate how I can’t feel angry at anyone but myself. I hate that I can’t cut it out of myself, amputation of the emotions. I hate my eyes, for they always see what isn’t there. I hate that I’m so stubborn, I’m so lost. I hate who I am, I hate who I’ll be. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to fucking die. I’m not worth a thing, not one thing. I hate how often I stole the light and made it into night skies. I hate that the moon is always so blurry to me. I hate that I thought I knew. I hate that I thought I might. I hate that I always do. How do I fix myself. How do I fix myself. I’m so fucking hopeless. I’m so fucking lonely. I am everyone I hate. I am everything I run away from. Why? Why, god, why? I’m not sure I’ll ever be a person, I’m not worth the dirt under your shoes. You’re lying to me. I know it already. I hate myself. Fuck. I hate that I still feel so warm, that I can still fall asleep to the humming pictures I create in my own mind. I hate that I hate it. I hate that you hate it. I hate. I can’t. I don’t. Fuck.
Published 16th Nov 2024
Author's Note
This might be the stupidest and most immature thing I’ve written. I make an effort not to be so stark and blatant about things, always covering them in metaphors and too long sentences, but I just cannot right now. I cannot find it within myself to beautify this trainwreck. So I wrote all of the thoughts I had within 5 minutes. Behold! The emotional overflow that is my mental state!
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16th Nov 2024 12:26pm
Youve made me smile, I know this place you wrote from and I have written so many like it, questioning my sanity. Nobody and make me as angry as I can lol. Thank you for writing this, sometimes beautifying things just feels like another lie to soften the truth when you need to feel whats real the raw and exposed
