My Thought for Today: Hardening a C-PTSD Heart

Learning how to harden my heart is an internal battle I’d rather not wage when I have so many others that need attention, but self preservation in the face of danger, perceived or otherwise, tells me that this cracked exterior of the vessel that holds the way I love may need this type of protecting right now.

Trauma will do that. And it doesn’t have to be the blatant kind of trauma that I’ve lived through and I’m working at overcoming. It’s the little but not so little things that get buried but rear their ugly head along this winding road of healing.

It’s the dismissal of my feelings and the gut punch I feel every time you tell me to get past my past. It’s throwing the word respect around because you’re offended with something I’ve said and in turn used it as a weapon against me because you didn’t hear what I said you only heard my my tone of voice. It’s the lack of reciprocal kindness and the way you throw up your hands because you say you can’t understand me, yet you won’t take the time to find out. It’s the way you drop a conversation without saying goodbye, not understanding that not having any type of closure only compounds the deepening well of hurt I’m drowning in because like it or not, being too busy isn’t an excuse for the one second it takes for humanity to still have a place in this world.

When asking for these things becomes too much, makes me look like I’m whining or too needy or makes me look like I’m angry, blaming or challenging you, instead of what it is, telling you that this is what I need, the things that help me because of what I’ve been through. These things, these bruises to my self-worth that’s been hanging on a thread while I’m doing trauma therapy so I can work through the larger traumas that have buried me most of my life. These are some of the reasons why this heart of mine needs to learn how to harden even though everything inside of me tells me I don’t want to do this.

When my heart feels all of this it bleeds tears of it’s its own and I have to reserve what’s left of my tears for what I know is up ahead. There’s freedom on the other side of pain. I have to find ways to get to the finish line and still keep this heart of mine intact. Just a thought, but it may be necessary.