First Love

for Justin

I look to the past and accept that Love had to break me.
Desperate for his kiss
I tortured his mind.
I drilled a hole through his chest to find what he
couldn’t tell me and in
capital letters and months of silent agony,
we lied to each other, and to ourselves.

The villain is a role I will simply not play.
He told me loved me,
took it away,
and in Bourbon tears he promised a life
I had wanted for years.

Damn my naiveté and
Damn his confusion.
I could have been killed with how many times
I had to drive home convulsing, sobbing,
blaring “There’s a fine, fine line between love…

and a waste of your time.”

And then we got older, and suddenly realized
we had six years of memories, the best and the worst.
He told me he loved me,
through stone sober eyes,
and neither side shed a tear. We both understood that
love runs much deeper than a title or sexual attraction.

And I still damn his confusion
And I can’t help my feelings,
he has touched my soul,
ripped out my soul, leaving me alone
to pick up the pieces.

My memories then catch up with today and
somehow these wounds I left open so long
have almost healed.
Almost.
As I invite his image into these words,
I do feel the heaviness of potential tears.
They do not become more than a
mist where I can hide our memories in a little box,
forever keeping the love I know I saw in your eyes.

As life goes on, Love has blessed me again.
The Love I never expected to find had
nothing to do with my weight or my mental stability
(I made up so many self-deprecating excuses
for why he didn’t want to love me).
It was time. It was growth. It was the memory of being
ripped to shreds
the slow retrieval of my self-confidence
and then a beautiful man
who loves me as much as I love him.

I know that breaking is hard, but looking towards the
future I see love overflowing. If Love must break me again,
I will cry and hurt with fevered force because
wounds do heal and each scar teaches you how to love better.

A broken boy was rebuilt a man.
He loves with every fiber of his being
including that box in the mist and smiles because
they shared many years, shed many tears.

I will always remember you.
I will always love you,
but for the first time I can say that I don’t crave a
romance that was never meant to be.

And I hope you are happy
I know you’ll find love.
We are victims turned heroes by Love
and growing up.