Redneck Renaissance in The North Forty

I grew up in the shadow of Tallahassee where Blackstrap Molasses played 2nd fiddle to Bill Monroe's Blue Moon of Kentucky. Our home was a single-wide trailer sat cattywampus to the land field where we could, look homeward angel. Granny was in the jailhouse making license plates to be shipped out of state and I was in the kitchen painting the linoleum, worn-out floor. I was the preacher at The North Forty Pentecostal Church, where Skeeter Davis Ave. crosses Merle Haggard St.This week's "word" was taken from 'the 1946 edition of The Farmer's Almanac. "Hallelujah!" and I quote. "Take this hyar plow an' shove it, it's squeezin' time in Galilee!"    
     
"We're hankerin' t'show our appreeciashun, t'Brother Tiny Toenail fo' donatin' t'th' church's noo pu'pit. A cracked commode thet is rumo'ed t'have once been in Rev. Jimmah Swaggart's privy"    
     
"Thar will be a memo'ial service t'morry at 4 AM fo' Brother Ole Man Frank Yokum's prostate which gave up th' ghost as he was chokin' his chameleon turnin' shades of an out-of-so'ts wild wisteria. Please, less minimize th' hallelujahs on account o' our a six pack harp player has three Herpes scabs on his bottom lip.Th' two-laddered fire department was on alert jest in case he sco'ched his penis an' set his britches on fire."      
   
"Sister Juanita fell an' busted her prosthesis wooden leg an' is in dire need of a carpenter o' a tube of Go'illa Glue. Less all turn t'page 148 in th' hymnal an' sing."  
   
"If I were a carpenter and you were a lady..."  
 
"Th' feed an' grain sto'e has set up two pig troth jacuzzis in th' church parkin' lot jest in case th' congregashun be hankerin' t'go nekkid skinnydippin' an' crawdad bobbin' af'er services. This hyar brin's me t'sumpin thet ah's mighty emoshunal about. POWER STREAKING!"      
     
"Less call rutabaga, rudabaga. Now as most yo' know, mah 103-year-old gran'Mammy is th' proteckive cestody prison an' insane asylum fo' th' improvisashun of imvarmintatin' Dale Arnhardt. As ah look out on over mah flock this hyar mo'nin' ah weep. She was falsely accused of usin' an unfair advantage in th' nekkid relay race by havin' a John-Boy Deere ingine on her back. Shet mah mouth! Thet is mighty malicious case of finger-pointin'. Th' injun was Cherokee.  Less all turn t'page 123 in th' hymnal an' sing."  
 
"Way down yonder in the Indian nation I rode my pony on the reservation in the Oklahoma Hills where I was born..."