Giving Myself Grace

I have fallen off the face of the planet again. I do this quite often. Maybe I don't feel worthy of being seen or heard. I probably haven't healed from the past entirely. But I say fuck it and oh well.

As much as I wanted to be some kind of role model, I think at the end of the day, I just wanna be me. As messed up and imperfect as that is. It doesn't feel safe to be me, and I'll admit that. I'll admit that when I try and be positive about things, I definitely feel like a complete fraud. I know it's not how I truly feel. It's a fleeting emotion for me.

It doesn't feel ok or alright that it's that way. But it is what it is. I'll admit that I couldn't sleep much tonight due to severe body image issues. I know that's not good. 5 hours. Better than nothing.

I guess the point of this post is to stop myself from feeling bad about feeling bad. But I have trouble stopping that too.

I wanted to think I was above all this past pain, but I'm not. I can't say that feels okay to me. I can't pretend I like it this way. But I can say I am learning to humble myself and accept it.

I'm way too tired to curate any answers. Way too stressed. Way too annoyed and angry.

Gotta meet myself where I am at rather than where I'd like to be. Even if where I'd like to be feels impossible and out of reach.

I am way way too hard on myself. And I hate it when people remind me. All I can say is that I surrender. Because I'm sick of fighting myself. Sick of trying to win a battle when the odds are stacked against me.

I prefer to just let it be.