Dad

I look over to the shelf
A box full of ashes
All that remains of you

Happy Birthday Dad

I miss you and thats the truth

So many reasons why I shouldn't
Why I should hate you
But I don't

I forgave you for what you did
For what you were
I sent you a text before you died
I wanted you to know
I found out after that you never got it
That still bothers me

I know that you were broken
I didnt understand it then

I know now

Childhood trauma destroyed your mind
Mine was also destroyed in the same way
I know what that does
I know the weight of that
That is why I chose to forgive you

When I was young I idolized you
You were so strong and aggressive
I wanted to be that way too
Instead of being weak

I wanted you to love me
I did anything to try to make you happy
I didn't know why you hurt me so much
You were everything to me

As you got older the regret and guilt ate at you
You were alone and it was your doing
You didn't know how to fix what was broken in you
You became a shell of the man you were

I know how that feels

I pitied you in this weakened state
This once great man so humbled by life
I hated seeing you like that

I know that you loved me in your own way
In a way that a person who could only feel anger did
Later as a person who could only feel guilt

I wanted to release you from that guilt before you passed
I wanted you to have some peace before you left this earth

I know what its like

To live without peace
To live with regret
To live with darkness
To live with guilt
To live as a broken person

I know

I love you Dad