half way fallen

I wake up
reach for my tunes
it's habit now
to quiet some of the noise
in my head

I resist the urge to fuck myself
cause I'm getting tired
of chasing empty escapes
though I'm aching for anything
that feels like
sweet temporary oblivion

I skip the Valium
if I can't see the bottle
it can't whisper the promise
of sleepy numb into my psyche
though I'm thinking about it

It's 7:30am and I'm crying
on the kitchen floor
wishing I hadn't got stoned last night
because on a good day
I can ride the high without the chase
and now all I want is the chase
though I know where the chase leads
and that's a road I know I can't go down
unless I want to die

My 4 year old finds me
touches my face
saying "mummy crying
mummy sad"
and I know, I know
I have to be better than this
for him and for me

But...  all I want to do right now
is run, run into anything
that feels better than this low