And it’s been a long ass week and I don’t know

It’s been a long week and I don’t know
how to show or where to put all of this
because stoicism
because my words fumble when
when
when I try to speak them into existence
and typing helps me ground the
things that seem to matter that I can’t say

all this rambling is my way of trying to find the way
the route to metaphor

I feel more than i want
and I don’t want to feel any of it

my oldest daughter rang me crying
her decisions have broken the links
between us
she live with feral people
that have parasitic influences
in a deluge of dirt and dereliction
taking to the squalor I grew up in
she never had that wasn’t built for it
and she calls with that cry in her voice the one
that tears a hole in a parents heart
under it all I can still taste her betrayl
It’s acid burn an ugly side note that I cant
fathom beyond her need for attention

Psychosis, Borderline, neurosis
all run in my family
like a marathon in genetics and I wonder
at all of the possible ways she
has bent the truth to suit her aims
and remorse for her is just cover art
and window dressing
a display home prepped for sale

so I stand a man that wants to protect
his daughter but also the rest of my kids from her

My mother Called at the start of the week
let me know my brother was sick
and he’s the youngest of us all
was full of the mean streets
worse than me
went down one too many wrong roads
broke his life into the abandoned despair
the chip on his shoulder boulder sized
and bled his vehemence at the world
drugs and fractured familes
three kids to two women a new daughter on the way
6 months left to live and he’s only 28
I started writing at 28 to get the mess of everything out of my head
to down down a road of discovery
opened new worlds to my haunted eyes
and now I have to write another eulogy
to speak and stand strong
for the one of four of us that suffered the longest
and made friends with his demons