This is me

 Im the strong one in my group of friends, I'm the go-to person if you are having a hard time. I mask my feelings, put me aside for my friends, keep thinking they are more important.
But when I let go, I really let go, I break down for weeks, and then rebuild my wall, when all I really want to is to let it all go and let my wall stay down. That is when I feel the lightest, but I also feel vulnerable, like people can break me down and cut me to pieces.

I let my wall go, lift of my gorilla, I feel so light and for a moment, if only a split-second, then the vulnerability  comes in. This is supposed to feel good, and it does but then I realize that if I keep my wall down people can break me down and that scares me.
I rebuild the wall, try to make it stronger, but it always caves in on me…

I know the root to my problems, I know the 3 people that made me this way. But the one that wasn't aiming for me in particular is the one that hurts me the most.
I can't even say his name, ABB, the closest I get, if I had one bullet it would have his name on it, thats my dream, that I get to hunt him down and shoot him just like he did to my friends. While my nightmares are the opposite, he has the gun he is chasing me.

People look at me and say "she looks happy, she must have a great life" and "look at her confidence, nothing can get her down". That is how they all see me, until the day they see me break.
They are intimidated by me confidence when I walk, when I talk to them and in everything I do, but they don't see my true colors. The vulnerable little girl that just want the pain to end.

I am the go-to person, the one that you can come to even though we are not that close, I can talk you through your problems make sense of everything for you. I lost count over how many I talked out of suicide, but I cannot do the same for myself.
That is who I am, but thats not all, I am so much more, Im the crazy girl everyone wants to be with when theres a party going on, the girl that makes the most noise, has the biggest mouth and ALWAYS backs her statements up and I AM STRONGER than most.
I've been through my fair share of problems but I refuse to let them put me down, I keep my head up and stay strong, thats how I was raised, never show fear, never be vulnerable and ALWAYS come out on top.

I love to compete and I can beat most people in anything, and its all because of a fear of falling behind. I'll go till I drop and cannot move anymore, thats how I need to do things to move on. I need goals, I'm a goal getter, when I run out of goals and is left to think thats when i get in trouble, thats when it all goes bad.

This is about how I am strong and honoring myself, but as writing this I realize that my life and my strength is coming from dark places and thats who I am. I am honoring the way I am, but the way I am is not as pretty as people think. I'm the happy person on the outside while my inside is broke. Nothing stops it, nothing at all. This is me, my strength is my weakness, my weakness my strength. I am proud to be me, many would crumble, I stand up tall.