deepundergroundpoetry.com
Pinch Me
PINCH ME
Everyday she teaches me that these tingles are for real
That this unconventional attachment doesn’t limit how we can feel
Across the pond or there upon yet excitement it builds still
Asking not a question
true emotions enter and fulfill
togethered tender promise
I feel undeserving if I’m honest
Through these clouds of joy I can barely see
While embracing lifelong fantasy
Pinch me please, pinch me
Bobby O
Everyday she teaches me that these tingles are for real
That this unconventional attachment doesn’t limit how we can feel
Across the pond or there upon yet excitement it builds still
Asking not a question
true emotions enter and fulfill
togethered tender promise
I feel undeserving if I’m honest
Through these clouds of joy I can barely see
While embracing lifelong fantasy
Pinch me please, pinch me
Bobby O
Published 1st Dec 2023
Author's Note
Amazed and Humbled by her attention
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 5
reads 197
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
1st Dec 2023 12:57pm
1st Dec 2023 5:06pm
10th Dec 2023 11:48pm
You posted in the new members forum that you were hoping for more feedback. I am sometimes disappointed that I don’t get feedback on some of my work so decided to make a conscious effort to do more critiques - I set myself the task of picking one element to focus on.
My thought is when reading aloud, the overall cadence could be made more rhythmic with some additional line breaks. Take for example the first two lines, adding line breaks changes the cadence and adds some rhythm and movement to the poem.
Eg
Everyday she teaches me
that these tingles are for real
That this unconventional attachment
doesn’t limit how we can feel
Once breaks are added, it can be helpful to do a bit of word smithing- removing or tweaking language to improve flow.
Eg
Everyday she teaches me
these tingles are for real
This unconventional attachment
doesn’t limit how we feel
I don’t think this changes the intended meaning but does affect the flow.
Is this what you were hoping for?
My thought is when reading aloud, the overall cadence could be made more rhythmic with some additional line breaks. Take for example the first two lines, adding line breaks changes the cadence and adds some rhythm and movement to the poem.
Eg
Everyday she teaches me
that these tingles are for real
That this unconventional attachment
doesn’t limit how we can feel
Once breaks are added, it can be helpful to do a bit of word smithing- removing or tweaking language to improve flow.
Eg
Everyday she teaches me
these tingles are for real
This unconventional attachment
doesn’t limit how we feel
I don’t think this changes the intended meaning but does affect the flow.
Is this what you were hoping for?
11th Dec 2023 00:14am
That is a good point and actually is something I would’ve liked to have caught myself sometimes I’m not so diligent as I should be in you just help. Thank you.
11th Dec 2023 00:20am
It is hard to proofread your own work- I find it very challenging to proofread my own writing unless I have let it sit for a while then come back with fresh eyes.
