Sorry/Thank you

Every time I have to tell someone new that my mom is dead
or I meet up with someone who I haven’t seen since before she passed
and I have to to bring it up as if it happened just yesterday
The response I always hear is “I’m so sorry”
and I’m halted mid-sentence at the brief, jarring processing of it
In the middle of spilling the hurt, albeit only surface-level to prevent
a complete collapse of the emotional levees,
I hear “I’m so sorry”
And I am paralyzed because it’s such an understandable, yet strange reaction
But what I usually have to say after that is just as strange, if not stranger

“Thank you”

Am I thankful?
What am I thanking you for?
Should I be thanking you?

Thanks for acknowledging what I just said
Thanks, my mom’s still dead
Thanks, healing is a hike that doesn’t know where it’s going
Thanks, I needed another reason to be sad again
Thanks, I still can’t go to my family house without choking
Thanks, every picture of her still stops me dead in my tracks

Thanks for bringing the attention to me using my pain as a crutch for a second
Thanks for listening
Thanks, I guess

I’ve been able to get myself to a point where I can keep the grief more or less in a containable place,
unless something that reminds me of her becomes overly sentimental
But it seems like every other day, something new always manages
to give me a new reason to grieve
And when it feels like I’ve been able to overcome the new ones,
the old ones come back to give a little wink before it’s gone again

I’m so sorry
Thank you

I know they are offering their condolences,
trying to provide me some piece of comfort, however small, through words
because whether or not you’ve known the loss of a parent,
each grief experience plays out differently, on a certain part of the path,
and at times it catches me off guard, or confounds me completely,
lost in my clumsily stacked pile of memories of her till I lose my balance
and they all come tumbling all over the place again,
and I have to gather them all up before looking at one too long,
making remembering more of a process than it needs to be

I guess it’s just part of grieving
and perhaps I will never think it normal for my mom to be gone
Talking about it all brings it all back
but it never quite feels as real and affirmed
as when somebody else acknowledges it too

As if confirming I’m not making it all up
As if I’m not just retelling some sad story over and over again
As if this isn’t just something I’m programmed to say whenever she’s brought up
As if I’m not deflecting by just storytelling, but truly soaking in the reality

I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry you’re going through your grief
I’m so sorry to have brought up a sensitive spot
I’m so sorry you’re still navigating through the important cornerstone of a now-empty space she once occupied
I’m so sorry it still makes you choke up
I’m so sorry it comes when you least expect it
I’m so sorry your mom isn’t here with us anymore
I’m so sorry your mom has passed

Thank you

Thank you for acknowledging my pain
Thank you for showing your concern
Thank you for letting me open my heart about it for a second
Thank you for understanding I’m still figuring out how to navigate it
Thank you for not rolling your eyes
Thank you for letting me think of her for a second
Thank you for everything
I love you and miss you, Mom

Sorry, thank you

…anyway, where were we?