Honestly

It’s hard to be truthful
with feelings & desires sometimes
Especially hard when voices of the past
Bombard with words like “bad” “sinner” “selfish”
I see now I wasn’t honest
with either you or i
those many years ago.
If I’d owned the truth, you’d know:
I wanted you to choose me
I wanted life with you
adventures, routine, family
I wanted to fight for you
I wanted only you
YOU were my first love

But more, I wanted to be good, righteous, & unselfish
My subconscious still believed those voices
That claimed perfection meant
I must deny my own desires
And I was so used to lying
Especially to myself
I feared that if I owned my truth
If I entrusted you with honesty
If you chose me
And all went wrong
That it would be my fault
That you would grow to hate me
Resent me for my selfishness,
That I would be a “sinner” “evil” “bad”

Now I’ll never know
I think I lost that treasured trust & respect
anyway
I’m sorry I wasn’t honest