deepundergroundpoetry.com
Search For Neon
Clouds like ponds, reflecting moonlight
in search for neon to shine on trinkets
gathering stars to place in a jacket
rising in the mist on a fine futon
echoing from nature's woven basket
in search for neon to shine on trinkets
whispering in a seance with crickets
in search for neon to shine on trinkets
gathering stars to place in a jacket
rising in the mist on a fine futon
echoing from nature's woven basket
in search for neon to shine on trinkets
whispering in a seance with crickets
Published 14th Oct 2023
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15th Oct 2023 8:43am
A glorious celebration of light!
The associations raised touch the psyche in many ways, evoking feelings well beyond simply noticing the ways in which light shines. Therefore, a sense is conveyed in this poem of multiple psychological and emotional states present in the appraisal of light, of it conjuring many linkages in our minds and hearts.
I would just suggest selecting a few more words that are more "sophisticated" or unusual, to really mirror the mysteriousness of light. I would also suggest reworking the rhythm somewhat to make it flow more smoothly, at least if I was the author. Most of all, I think you need more variation in the rhythm. At the moment the poem's flow is a bit too uniform/the same, which doesn't do justice to your vision entirely, even if it is still a pleasure to read.
The associations raised touch the psyche in many ways, evoking feelings well beyond simply noticing the ways in which light shines. Therefore, a sense is conveyed in this poem of multiple psychological and emotional states present in the appraisal of light, of it conjuring many linkages in our minds and hearts.
I would just suggest selecting a few more words that are more "sophisticated" or unusual, to really mirror the mysteriousness of light. I would also suggest reworking the rhythm somewhat to make it flow more smoothly, at least if I was the author. Most of all, I think you need more variation in the rhythm. At the moment the poem's flow is a bit too uniform/the same, which doesn't do justice to your vision entirely, even if it is still a pleasure to read.
I appreciate your (verbiage) feedback, but I have never laid claimed to be anything but a scribbler.
