In Jeremiah's House

5 foot 2, 120 pounds or less of prayer and            
a burning yearning seductress fire                                    
of desiring delightful sensual pleasure                                    
not so many hads petite                                      
curvy and delicious meat I made him drool though his                                      
missing teeth that were hidden for awhile                                      
and my throne of god was overthrown                                      
by the racing violence of his need                                      
to                              
own        
me                                      
hellaciously        
hungry for domination of me mixed quickly with the gluttony of his depraved fantasy world sex an act of complete aggression just another one of his festering addictions                                      
and more than once in the suffocating pounding of his insecurities and forceful grip upon my neck or hips                                      
I feared                                      
                                     
for my life                                      
                                     
and like a curse the wounds got worse and worse the attacking litany of his predatory sickness resistance only wet                            
his appetite for more 6 foot 4, 295 pounds of grizzly sizzling flesh and the kind of country strength that makes                                      
an ignorant,                            
unaccomplished fool of a man                                      
far too proud                                    
and lazy, loud and wrong      
while the less lucky chiseling body builders or men with brains left cowering under the brazen tower of his powering thunder of genes bore from the combined long line of dangerous                                      
way too handsome crazed lumber jack domestically abusive men                             
and a dirty snake of a mother that he had a certain obvious but secret freakish lust for (and that she encouraged all the more)   who in character and bite so much like the soul-less liar low-life scum he chose            
to be the mother of his son but not to be his wife                          
now who's married to a molester wanna be gangster who sells pills and beats her and they together                                      
have the child and 2 others                                      
on the weekends.                                      
                                     
the boy, 3 feet tall and 40 lbs                                      
i gave him everything i had to give and so much more like it were all for him I lived, without a thought as though                                      
he were my own.                                      
and with amazement i watched him grow and come alive                                      
vocabulary social skills and creativity thrive deep into each others eyes we stared with absolute love every single day                                      
and we'd laugh and cuddle and draw and play it all away                                      
and the bright sun rising shining of his innocence, sweetness and adoration for me reviving my own spirit continually and even though i knew i couldn't save him or me                                      
from the dysfunction of his blood                                      
i stayed for him                                      
when i should have run.                                      
                                     
almost broken from every direction my spine neck to my sacrum shocked and frightened me how                                      
he could supposedly love me and at the same time almost kill me                                      
like a disease progressed into it's final stage                                      
every time he touched me his passion raged a whole new animal of destruction and                                      
greedy consumption                                      
as though taken over by a fiendish demon frenzied by a needing to just once                                      
fuck me to death                                      
and in the end                                      
                                     
he truly almost did.                                      
                                     
he said i was the best after he came but just the same i woke up to him angry,                                
didn't know why and he wouldn't tell me, nastiness, the silent treatment,                                
constant rulings of me extreme irrational final judgments never fair or proper with me so deeply craving his approval and affection and when he gave it to me (after a fight)  
it was like a dream  
his power became devotion and he absolutely lavished me
with appreciation, admiration and such sweetly shared hopes and visions for our life together
and his presence  
was an all encompassing,  
larger than life attention  
that overwhelmed me in every way  
and somehow I mistook his wild possession of me    
for love    
while longer and longer in between stretched the happy moments  
my whole life    
transformed    
into    
an unpredictable punishment of his choosing            
confusing me as always with his mood swings  
suddenly all this mixed with the reality of the wounding setting in my womb and stabbing nearing panic in the bedroom I cried with worry and tried to tell him but he said                         
he was sick of hearing about my feelings and then took off to Walmart,  
me less mobile and clear headed everyday,  
I was trapped into his world there only for his using with no more false hopes or believing of stopping the abusing something in me snapping terror for the future of my body, getting desperate for my life                                
on that sunday,                                
               
i could barely walk from the assaults so soon after pelvic surgery                                
that initially he caused me                
now with new internal bleeding from the squeezing and the roughness of his pushing needing pain pills again and safety              
immediately.                                       
                               
i escaped from him and his stinking hell hole of a home                                      
carried by the strength                                      
of God                                      
                                     
and God alone.