reckless thoughts

Sometimes I want to jump off a cliff,
feel the beat of my heart while the wind touches my skin,
and feel my body dropping into the water,
finally taking the plunge.
Pulling myself back to the surface,
feeling the sun like there is no tomorrow,
and pucker my lips, unsure if it is
to taste the saline water, or to get rid of it.

Sometimes  I want to smack myself with a broom,
thinking that, that  blow in the head could make me unconscious.
Or I could make use of it to fly,
like an unbothered witch and  touch the sky.
Why am I not falling? Am I defying gravity?
Or I  already fell, and it's me spirit hovering around?
Or incessantly  use the sticks to hit the corners of my home,
while I  shout to drive away the repulsive ghouls,
that's been trying to consume my soul.

Sometimes I want to get a knife,
and whack my self over and over.
As I bathe in my pool of blood,
my eyes  are wide open, then I wonder,
What have I done? I am still  alive.
Oh it's nothing but a dream.
In between my thoughts though,
It feels so real.

Sometimes I want to sit in the middle of the road,
where the raging vehicles try to get ahead of each other.
If I'm lucky I'd get hit by one.
Yet I could still hear my self breathe,
then it's more than luck.
I traipse down the long busy road.
Safely. Carefully.
Are they avoiding me?
Or they just could not see?


Sometimes I want to swig a poison,
and make sure I get to live for a bit,
while it destroys every bit of my organ.
Then the excruciating pain,
makes me want to live again.
Like an unexpected antidote,
I never thought, I wanted to take.


Sometimes I want to steal a gun.
Learn how to shoot,
and ensure that one final  hit is fatal.
Right to my temple I point it,
but I intentionally didn't put a bullet.
It could be cowardice,
 but more like
I do not know.
Maybe I could not bring myself to do it?


Sometimes I want to be seriously ill.
And suffer the consequences
of my unhealthy choices.
Maybe my heart could not remember how to beat,
Or my brain lost all the oxygen supply it needs.
Like a panacea, all of my realizations comes in,
that let's me think, I can restart all over again.


I die and live in my thoughts a  million times.
I could never ponder but I could understand why.
Sometimes I want this, sometimes,  that.
While I struggle to find the will to live.
I only think that  many people will give everything
to  have another chance and fight.
Now I  understand why, no matter how hard it is,
I always choose life.


~J <3