deepundergroundpoetry.com
Skeletons Among the Coats
counting clocks, hope and pray
as they number each of my mistakes
too long gone, wrong, i bleed and dissipate
you sit and stare, almost happy with the wait
seeking refuge in the plights of your needles
finding my desire in the cracks your needs, still
i'm the thought your mind refuses to accept
the lie of hate your heart strives for, but has never kept
as my eyes twitch to close
i think of you, i think of you
as the life comes back and beats for proof
what the mind has surrendered to as truth
you bring me back to life
you restore what's too long been an excuse to justify
what i thought i may never be able to find
adding to the skeletons among the coats
i stare into your eyes and wonder
why you even ever cared at all
i'm the devil inside every angel
as hopeless as the souls riding in their boats
it's just another dream of a wish we could only hope
to sacrifice our souls and eternity to attain
you bury me in the glimpses of a fantasy, only to drive me insane
as my eyes twitch to close
i think of you, i think of you
as the life comes back and beats for proof
what the mind has surrendered to as truth
you bring me back to life
you restore what's too long been an excuse to justify
what i thought i may never be able to find
as they number each of my mistakes
too long gone, wrong, i bleed and dissipate
you sit and stare, almost happy with the wait
seeking refuge in the plights of your needles
finding my desire in the cracks your needs, still
i'm the thought your mind refuses to accept
the lie of hate your heart strives for, but has never kept
as my eyes twitch to close
i think of you, i think of you
as the life comes back and beats for proof
what the mind has surrendered to as truth
you bring me back to life
you restore what's too long been an excuse to justify
what i thought i may never be able to find
adding to the skeletons among the coats
i stare into your eyes and wonder
why you even ever cared at all
i'm the devil inside every angel
as hopeless as the souls riding in their boats
it's just another dream of a wish we could only hope
to sacrifice our souls and eternity to attain
you bury me in the glimpses of a fantasy, only to drive me insane
as my eyes twitch to close
i think of you, i think of you
as the life comes back and beats for proof
what the mind has surrendered to as truth
you bring me back to life
you restore what's too long been an excuse to justify
what i thought i may never be able to find
Published 10th Jul 2023
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An interesting reflection, R_M_V!
Literary content, as well as vocal posture, embody the depths of feelings you seek to convey. The happy ending is the life she brings back to you (or to which she brings you back). I like the shifting praxis of the traditional "skeletons in the closet". by logical inference, we know that the coats are in the closet; hence, the skeletons must be among the coats.
Two observations not intended to be "unfriendly" feedback:
1. Since you are creating atmosphere by doing a video, why not set the scene as a closet backdrop and dramatise, rather than just read, the poem?
2. Why didn't you correct (remove) the bleep in stanza 4, line 3?
Anyway, it's a great write. I see your use of rhymes and half-rhymes mixed in with free verse, which kind of extends the character of the sentiments expressed.
Sincerely
cab
Literary content, as well as vocal posture, embody the depths of feelings you seek to convey. The happy ending is the life she brings back to you (or to which she brings you back). I like the shifting praxis of the traditional "skeletons in the closet". by logical inference, we know that the coats are in the closet; hence, the skeletons must be among the coats.
Two observations not intended to be "unfriendly" feedback:
1. Since you are creating atmosphere by doing a video, why not set the scene as a closet backdrop and dramatise, rather than just read, the poem?
2. Why didn't you correct (remove) the bleep in stanza 4, line 3?
Anyway, it's a great write. I see your use of rhymes and half-rhymes mixed in with free verse, which kind of extends the character of the sentiments expressed.
Sincerely
cab
11th Jul 2023 1:43am
Thank you, for reading and for your feedback! To answer your questions - I honestly don't have the means to really stage anything like that. Truthfully, I don't want to be on camera at all haha. I'm new to recording and to spoken word, so I'm still learning. I don't know how to use video editing software. Which is why I didn't edit anything. I had done 3 takes before the final recording and I try to not repeat myself too much for fear of sounding disingenuine and rushed. I like it to be personal and imperfect. Also, I remember thinking I was seeing the same word twice and then realized I wasn't, so that's why I messed up right there. I really appreciate your feedback and suggestions! Thank you, again, for reading!
- Seth
- Seth
