Last Memory

When I was a kid, I remember loving my dad.
He was a firefighter,
A superhero who was invincible, and loved by everyone.
      
Then things changed.

Invisible forces that I couldn’t comprehend as a kid.
All I saw was mom getting angrier,
Less food in the pantry,
And dad, once or twice a month.
More time with a babysitter, with grandma,
Less time with mom,
Even less with dad.

The last time I saw him he had long hair, I think.
We were at Target, in the early heat of May.
My birthday was coming up.
“Pick out anything you want”
My little sister, only three or four, picked a stuffed pony.
I picked a nerf gun,
It was blue, bolt-action, and came with a bunch of nerf bullets.
      
We got to the counter and rang up the two items.
Two  items that cost an hour or 2 of working.
Swipe, deny. Swipe, deny. Swipe, deny.

That was the day I saw Superman falter.
Where tears welled up in his eyes,
Tears that he couldn’t let fall.
Not in front of me,
Not in front of her.
We were told to put them back,
He would get them for us next time.
      
There was no next time.


Until Christmas came that year,
And that same nerf gun appeared under the tree.
I looked in the sky and asked if dad, or Santa got them for me.
Neither, my mother was both and more.