comfort zone - attempt four

your comfort zone is where you feel safe and sound
breaking out of it seems hard, tiring
you urge to recharge to feel sanity and to start over again,
in order to grow
my comfort zone is a papercard house exposed to storms everyday
even stepping out of it
for a couple of hours will break me,
for a couple of days and i’ll be gone.
i urge to relapse in order to feel sane, to drown again
relapse, because my mind can’t handle being well for ‘too long‘,
wanting to remind myself that i deserve pain, it burns all night
punishment for handling things properly, for feeling heartbeats of happiness
for believing in myself
destroying what i tried to built up seconds ago
destructive decisions for trying to heal from destructive behavior.

i‘m not living, i’m barely functioning
functioning like a feedback loop of sadness and pain
because pain is my home
security isn’t.