Diary entry 27-02-2023 After the drugs

I just want the pain to stop. I know how it feels and you want to die. You know how that feels too, it’s confusing. There aren’t really words to describe either side. It just hurts so much. But things can change. If you have suicidal thoughts or ideations, then I need you to hear me. This place that I’m in right now, this world I’m in right now. It doesn’t have to be this way. So much can change. You can have a whole new life, a whole new world. Yeah, right. I know the darkness you’re in, it is all consuming, and it hurts so much, but at the same time, you can’t feel anything. Asking for help is maybe the last thing you want to do. You’re so tired, the shame, the guilt, the self-loathing, the way time moves so slowly and so fast. It’s to much. You’re right, it is. I’m not meant to feel this way, and we don’t have to. Trust me, they’ll be better of without you, it’s true. That’s not true. Something’s wrong, so many things are wrong. It feels like everything is wrong and the only thing that makes sense is to just disappear. But you don’t know what sense is anymore. You know you’re not thinking straight, or do you? Time feels weird right now. Some days feel like an eternity. So, I doubt that right now you’ll find comfort in the idea that we get many lives and many chances, new chapters, whole new books. Please don’t give up. I know you’re so tired and I know you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t have to. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, no in-depth conversation, just call her number and hang on. Because I really, really want you to stay. Happiness and joy may find you again. Can’t remember those feelings right now, can you? You’re thinking those feelings are beyond you right now. Just give in already.