deepundergroundpoetry.com
Say What You Want
Go ahead say what you want
I'll still sleep tonight
blocking your evil torpedoes
yeah I'm putting up a fight
lashing out with a flame thrower
ready to burn your pessimistic tongue
that's depriving me of happiness
drizzling darkness on my fun
say what you want it won't crash
the systems of my hard drive
tomorrow when I wake up
I'll still be alive
you're words can't penetrate the solidity
of the shields of my dream rocks
dropping on ya head giving your scalp
a good hard knock
you can't steal my happiness
it's locked away in a vault
putting all of your
diabolical plans to a halt
the fact that you were unsuccessful
isn't my fault ya look fruity like
the sweetness of a fucking chocolate malt
say what you want but I'm under the table
brewing a stew of retaliation
that will inevitably destroy you
according to my calculations[/font][/font]
I'll still sleep tonight
blocking your evil torpedoes
yeah I'm putting up a fight
lashing out with a flame thrower
ready to burn your pessimistic tongue
that's depriving me of happiness
drizzling darkness on my fun
say what you want it won't crash
the systems of my hard drive
tomorrow when I wake up
I'll still be alive
you're words can't penetrate the solidity
of the shields of my dream rocks
dropping on ya head giving your scalp
a good hard knock
you can't steal my happiness
it's locked away in a vault
putting all of your
diabolical plans to a halt
the fact that you were unsuccessful
isn't my fault ya look fruity like
the sweetness of a fucking chocolate malt
say what you want but I'm under the table
brewing a stew of retaliation
that will inevitably destroy you
according to my calculations[/font][/font]
Published 7th Feb 2010
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20th Jul 2011 5:19pm
My criticism of this piece is lack of continuity. You use some pretty good metaphors but they all seem to be completely unconnected and that makes it hard to form a flowing, mental picture. One minute you're talking about torpedoes and the next computer hard drives. It would be nice if there was some kind of central connecting thread or theme running through your poem.
Otherwise, as poems go, it's not too bad. I think it could be made a good poem with a little reworking and polish.
Otherwise, as poems go, it's not too bad. I think it could be made a good poem with a little reworking and polish.
25th Jul 2011 1:45pm
