Santa Isn’t Real

Reminded of everything I can’t ask for
Christmas is colder than it was before
I slept in and spent the day alone
When everyone’s falling in love
Surrounded by people they know
I don’t have anywhere to go


I want something to hate
I can’t feel anything


I’m drowning in the weight
Of pretending to be ok
We don’t have a tree
Or the usually optimistic feeling
I don’t want her to see
How much I’m missing
I need to keep being fine
So my mom won’t cry


Talking to people in my head
Like the way I used to
Before they left me for dead
I read four books today
To feel something besides pain
I just want something to stay the same


I want to make a memory I won’t regret
I want to stop being the one everyone forgets
I want to learn to drive
I want to not be alone all the time
I always feel like a joke
I want to stop feeling like I’m going to choke