Unsleeping insights into angst

 I lie awake and forsaken; broken and overtaken with thoughts of darkness running through my mind now the curtains have been drawn over the light you shone into my morbid life.
Considerations have been given to that which was forbidden by none other than myself to you.
Cold steel decisions; to make provisions; to make incisions.
The pragmatic coward in me refuses once more to adopt this stance, wishing for the chance once more of romancing and dancing, if that is indeed what you would call the erratic throwing of limbs and shapes I pull in your presence.
Electric butterflies with razor blade wings flit around my gut.
It churns with fear and trepidation at the time yet to come.
Each time the phone rings.
Each time a text message arrives.
Each status notification.
All cause a caustic cascade to crash down and crush me when it isn't you.
I rethink every decision made, word said and plan made and flinch with remorse at my desire, now a shade of the memory of when you laid by my side.
The black thoughts which reside in me I cannot abide, but from them there is nowhere to hide; nobody except myself to chide. 
I opened myself up wide for you.
I laid my heart open for you.
I made my plan clear for you.
Based it all on feedback received from you and the discussions we had of dreams and futures and times to come.
If I could turn time back and never make my move; never take to task the act of asking you out at all and saving myself this agonising apocrypha of unspeakable angst, would I?
No.
Ignorance is no more blissful than the innocence of love.
Every rose has thorns on which to prick ones fingers and as each blood drop lingers for a moment before crashing to the ground without sound, I feel a profound need to forgive you, for I fear you cannot forgive yourself.
Not for any recent act in, or of, itself but for some disaster in the distant past which has shaped your life into that which I cherish, hopeful that the loathing you feel shall perish before my love for you does.
I doubt you shall read this, but if you do, then please heed these words as you need to hear them.
I am here.
My desire is clear.
Shed your fear.
My love for you is still strong.
Your actions will determine for how long as my sanity may not sustain much more of this strain or disdain of my own remorse.