A deeper kind of sad

Sometimes I need to take a long look in the mirror and remember what I am.
I can smile at myself, I can at anyone else.
 I can forget but it hits me harder each time I remember.
The words used to describe me don’t fully define me.
 Depressed and suicidal are two words that can’t capture the whole story.
 I would say I am deeply sad.
 In the way that when I'm happy I still am sad and when I'm glad I still don’t want to live.
 I’m tired when I’m fully rested, I'm weighed down by myself.
 like a scar, it can fade, almost until you can’t see it., but it will always be a part of me.
 Unlike this metaphorical scar on my soul, nothing happened to me.  
 I was born regretting.  
I live every day wondering if it's worth it when I'm not supposed to exist, the choice between committing or committing.