deepundergroundpoetry.com
Incredibly Incredible
Anyone can say you are my hero,
But their action they display, does it show
Why they're your hero today?
Not all heroes wear capes,
Heroes take shape.
Mine took form, the day I was born.
But What if I told you!
She became my perfect Silver lining in life.
When I had felt nothing could ever feel right,
She became my protector
but don't get me wrong
she was not afraid to give me a lecture, if she knew it would make me strong!
She is braver than I can say about most,
And this is why,
She has always been there by my side.
She got a feisty side too
She'll fight in any way she has to.
Especially when it comes to those she loves.
She’s the heart of any fight, she's the golden glove,
the way out of the dark,
The spark, the beating heart of life,
a mother Of light, always in sight!
So I just have to say, you are mom
No DNA or blood can match how much I love you, and where we are at.
You are Mrs Incredible; You are to me,
You're incredibly, incredible
that's what I see!
But their action they display, does it show
Why they're your hero today?
Not all heroes wear capes,
Heroes take shape.
Mine took form, the day I was born.
But What if I told you!
She became my perfect Silver lining in life.
When I had felt nothing could ever feel right,
She became my protector
but don't get me wrong
she was not afraid to give me a lecture, if she knew it would make me strong!
She is braver than I can say about most,
And this is why,
She has always been there by my side.
She got a feisty side too
She'll fight in any way she has to.
Especially when it comes to those she loves.
She’s the heart of any fight, she's the golden glove,
the way out of the dark,
The spark, the beating heart of life,
a mother Of light, always in sight!
So I just have to say, you are mom
No DNA or blood can match how much I love you, and where we are at.
You are Mrs Incredible; You are to me,
You're incredibly, incredible
that's what I see!
Published 31st Aug 2022
Author's Note
This poem is about my mom who adopted me and her being my hero
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 9
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
31st Aug 2022 4:20am
This poem is one of my poem from my collection of poetry me and my best friend were working on for in our book. But this one only has my name to it though, because I wrote this one let me know what you all think.
31st Aug 2022 3:48pm
I love the honest outpouring of love for your mom here. It's exciting and unbridled and joyful. She sounds like a wonderful person! I also appreciate anyone who can rhyme, because I'm hopeless at it.
Honest critique: really try to limit exclamation marks. It's very easy to overdo them, and they somehow undermine our words at times.
Last word of first stanza should be spelled 'to'. The 'too' above it is correct.
Which brings me on to repetition... this poem could have been maybe 60% of its current length without losing any excitement, charm or meaning. e.g. two of your lines both say that she has always been there by your side, and at least three tell us she's your hero. Last stanza has pairs of rhymes 'see/me' and 'me/see'... has each line told us something new?
As an exercise, I might go through this (or another poem if you want), underlining anything you've already said, then seeing if you can re-write more concisely.
Exceptions might be if you're DELIBERATELY trying to say the same thing in several ways, as a feature of the poem, or if you choose to start/ end each stanza with the same phrase.
I did enjoy this, and hope some of that helps.
Honest critique: really try to limit exclamation marks. It's very easy to overdo them, and they somehow undermine our words at times.
Last word of first stanza should be spelled 'to'. The 'too' above it is correct.
Which brings me on to repetition... this poem could have been maybe 60% of its current length without losing any excitement, charm or meaning. e.g. two of your lines both say that she has always been there by your side, and at least three tell us she's your hero. Last stanza has pairs of rhymes 'see/me' and 'me/see'... has each line told us something new?
As an exercise, I might go through this (or another poem if you want), underlining anything you've already said, then seeing if you can re-write more concisely.
Exceptions might be if you're DELIBERATELY trying to say the same thing in several ways, as a feature of the poem, or if you choose to start/ end each stanza with the same phrase.
I did enjoy this, and hope some of that helps.
31st Aug 2022 4:10pm
Hey thanks for the great advice and for your enthusiasm for this poem. And I would love it if you use this one as your exercise. It clears that you have some great points of views that may help me make this poem a 100 time better. And can't wait to see how I can make it better with you as my guide.
Thanks for the encouragement In my writing
sincerely koolcatJay
Thanks for the encouragement In my writing
sincerely koolcatJay
31st Aug 2022 4:19pm
Ah, I perhaps worded it badly... I was suggesting that maybe it was an exercise that you might it find it useful to try. BUT if I have time tonight I could have a go...
31st Aug 2022 4:43pm
You don't have to do that if you don't have the time. I just missed understood what you said. If you can explain to me what you mean by exercise than I can try to give it a go on my own thanks.
Sincerely koolcatjay
Sincerely koolcatjay
31st Aug 2022 5:07pm
Ignore the word exercise.
Just cross out any repetitions and see what is left. :)
Just cross out any repetitions and see what is left. :)
31st Aug 2022 5:19pm
I made some changes pleases if you have the time to read over. Then let me know if i missed anything you were talking about
31st Aug 2022 5:22pm
That's much better. I'd take out one of the two light references that are quite close together, and probably all the !s apart from the last one.
31st Aug 2022 5:29pm
I think I understood what you were asking, but again please read it over and let me know if I missed anything.
