Did Three Quotes (long as hell)

trying to win work so I can pay the bills  
all I am these days  
is a cog in a broken machine  
running off the fumes of my past  
trying to feel something  
in a life that’s full of meaningless  

nihilism is the flavour of vanilla  
and it’s vanilla essence  
extracted from a vanilla existence  
 
somehow  
my past keeps coming back to haunt  
 
the first quote I did  
she was a squirter  
she introduced me to the wonders  
of female ejaculation  
2 kids now  
husband that works away  
hollowed out collarbones  
her kids had eaten her alive  
I remember her in vivid fondness  
 
cried tears that’s how hard she came  
whispered apologies for the mess  
saying this had never happened to her before  
whilst I was in awe  
held her till she settled  
told her it’s ok  
let her use the ensuite  
fucked her again trying to get that feeling back  
but she had shut down  
she faked the second one in her shame  
 
she faded out of the club scene  
out of my messages  
 
when she opened the door  
we were both shocked  
 
she looked at me as if I was salvation  
hunger in her eyes  
she touched my arm reverently  
as if I was fantasy come to life  
 
I charmed her  
cheapened the price so I made pennies  
because she deserved to feel as if she meant something to me  
 
I was leaving  
she grasped my arm  
said no one else has done to her  
what I had  
vice grip of her slender fingers  
on my tensed bicep  
 
I smiled  
said I hope that it happens again  
you deserve to feel  
even if it’s just that  
she let go  
a life time of melancholy hit her  
she accepted the quote  
asked if I could send a different installer  
to put the robe in  
 
The second woman  
I knocked twice  
almost left  
when the clack and rattle of bolts  
turned me around  
 
same moment of lost-in-the-past tension hit me like a pool cue  
 
she was a screamer  
multiple orgasms shook her thighs  
she let everyone know  
that they had better be jealous  
loved to be choked  
couldn’t get enough of my thick fingers  
she used to walk in the club  
grab my hands in reverence  
kiss them  
holding hard eye contact  
then she would slap my ass and run away to drink and dance  
said she always felt safe when I was there  
was the the first to show me  
women crave sex too  
hunger for it  
the same way men do  
we’re just too stupid to notice  
they’re walking around with an  
open wound of lust  
 
Life had not been kind to her  
43 she looked every day of 60  
cancer had eaten away the best of her she struggled to breathe  
shuffle steps  
her vibrancy the way she fell on my cock  
the demand that I give it to her  
like it’s the last fuck she’ll ever have  
was decimated  
she couldn’t look at me  
said she remembers those days with me most of all  
 
her friends had left her  
husband gone  
never had kids  
she was alone  
she made a joke that if I tried to fuck her now she’d need an ambulance  
but at least she’d die happy  
 
I continue being the cog  
joke flirt  
let her pinch my ass  
let her hold my hands  
let her see the break the scars  
the thickening from work  
let her reverently touch the calluses  
 
sell her a robe  
almost give it away  
 
get in the van  
sorrow had hollowed my chest  
left me an open wound  
 
last quote of the day  
 
and of course  
she was my almost  
not quite  
one of my first flings in the land  
of fuck and forget  
when I was fumbling fingers  
and premature  
 
she was just as stunning  
as I remember  
lithe  
a shark gliding through water  
we stared into each other  
for an eternity of milliseconds  
my face flushed  
I shook her hand  
she remarked  
that she had forgot how big my hands were  
we danced around the quote  
for forever  
discussed options  
finishes  
aesthetic  
runners  
drawers  
trouser racks  
 
she asked if I could make a lockable cabinet  
 
I was about to say sure  
 
when she stepped up  
too close  
whispered  
for my toy collection  
her fingers gripping my shirt  
 
we were a mess  
of heat  
I yanked her head back  
tasted her insanity  
I was back in the old me  
 
grunting I tore her top to shreds  
an out of control wild man  
she unbuttoned her jeans and slid out of them no under-ware on  
I turned her  
had her kneel on the bed  
broken right hand  
dislocated shoulder  
and I gave no fucks  
because I deserve the pain  
 
slid two fingers in  
she was already dripping  
found her clit with my thumb  
pulled her hair back  
fucked her with every part of my broken need  
until she came  
I kept going  
and going  
until she collapsed  
took off my  
boots  
socks  
shirt  
pants  
 
rolled her over  
I slid inside my desire  
to be anything but me  
fucked her with the abandon  
of the damned  
 
pulled out just before  
shot my load all over her stomach  
and pubis  
she was still shuddering  
hands grasping her chest  
 
we dressed quickly  
all business  
 
I forgot to take the measurements  
drove to the beach  
took a handful of painkillers  
to ease the pounding in my hand  
and shoulder  
 
somehow she still  
wasn’t you