confession ii (I was going to kill her)

I don't remember her name
but I called her shiva
she had a tattoo of the hindu god on her back
strangely enough in female form
and this was after I had written my own story "hurting shiva i"
in which my shiva character was also portrayed as a female
while in most cases lord shiva is known as a male deity
a god
not a goddess
I felt my new acquaintance and I
this shiva tattoo girl
had a connection in this synchronistic mishap

(a side story: )
(we were at a warehouse and I was painting a mural)
(it was of Ggod)
(this was after my mushroom hallucination in which I saw Ggod)
(and also thought I was Ggod)
(I looked back at an empty couch)
(that was against the wall near where I painted)
(started painting again)
(had the thought to look back)
(only a moment after I just had)
(and there was the shiva tattoo girl laying on the couch)
(reading)
(it was physically impossible for her to move that quickly)
(it had only been a second between the first and second glances)
(back at that couch)
(I felt something evil in this and in the painting in front of me)
(the air was dense with something otherworldy)
(and dark)

the voice in my head started turning gears
was this the female shiva from my story
should I attack this girl as I had in my fictional verse
should I finish the story and take her life

I had gotten my hands on a half ounce of psychedelic mushrooms
I asked the tattooed shiva girl if she wanted to take them with me
she said yes
I had a plan:
I was going to take her out to one of the sinkholes
the place where I had gone with some of the rest of the crew called "info shop"
fill her up on mushrooms
rape and kill her
and toss her body into the sinkhole
and leave
and again wait for the judicial system to take me under their wing
and torture me in a different way
take away my life


tattooed shiva girl had given me her number
I couldn't get ahold of her
I asked some people that might see her to tell her to call me
I was getting restless
I wanted to take the shrooms
and I wanted to bring my story to life
it was early june 2007
probably a friday night
I heard she might be at a party at this one person's house I had been to before
I knew the way
I walked down a busy street with a bottle of tequila in on hand
and the bag of shrooms in the other
(I wondered if anyone driving by would notice that I was doing something very illegal)
I started in on them both
masticate a mushroom
take a sip of booze
swallow
I finished half the bag
and half the bottle
I ended up starting to trip while I was on the wooded end of a fence
that I needed to climb over
to get to the house of where the party
and hopefully shiva girl would be
I made it over the fence
but the booze and shrooms started kicking in hard
I laid in the grass
not long after two young men approached me with concern
I told them what I had taken
they said to lay on my side in case I puked
I recall vomiting
and then nothing for a long time
woke up in the hospital
restrained to the bed
apparently in some autopilot rage I had punched a nurse tech
they asked me if I remembered
I did not
I passed out again
on my way to see Ggod

(the next day when they let me out I had cut marks on both the palms of my hands)
(from the wire fence I had climbed over the night before)
(it was like some jesus reference)
(I stole a blanket from the hospital and wore it over my head like a shawl)
(I was a new man)
(I would never be the same)
(I was still tripping)
(trying to soak up what had happened the night before)
(I felt I was on some mission)
(I started trying to find and decode existence)
(the Ggodmanship delusion lasted two years)
(I never did see the tattooed shiva girl again)