deepundergroundpoetry.com
...living the minute
It started in the young years
keeping the vessel alive
between candle counts in
birthday cakes and a new grade.
In the early working years
holding calendar days
Mother's day, Father's day,
Christmas, and Easter fetes!
Month to month living after
marriage. The wage in wait.
The monthly steak and vino date
Living the 30 days was great.
Divorced years calling for weekends
See the kids, hearing "bye daddy"
screamed to the wind on a Sunday.
Life's speeds being kept in Saturday.
Friday to Friday dragged the weekly clock
When love hit the forehead
with a unexpected wet-cloth
We lived for the weekly trip to bed.
Hour by hour, started in broken blood
hard hours of no meds and rashes
days unable to get out of mourning beds
Each hours chorus calling a breath.
There comes a time when moments
are minutes. Holding to what's seen
in the leaf of a tree. Keeping it together
is in the minute, it takes to hold on.
Published 8th Apr 2022
| Edited 12th Apr 2022
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
8th Apr 2022 8:45am
Mornin’
I really like the progression of time here used as a tool for storytelling. It gives the piece as a whole a tremendous sense of flow and movement which works very well for the piece. The sentiment is strong and it really gets the reader thinking about their own life. I certainly started thinking about my day to day. What’s important. What I live for. Key moments. It all comes rushing to the surface.
In the spirit of honest… I’m really struggling with the ending and I think it’s that separate last line right at the end. It feels a bit like an afterthought that goes in another direction and my reader brain is like “wait a minute… come back…”
“Though comes a time” is also tripping me a bit — there comes a time?
I’m wondering if you changed the “hold onto life” to “hold a life” and chopped that last line with its ellipsis, it might be a smoother finish.
(All feedback my own thoughts and you of course don’t have to listen to any of it)
Thank you for sharing this. It was one of your pieces that took me back to reminiscing on slightly “older style Rev” that I really liked the tone of.
-M
I really like the progression of time here used as a tool for storytelling. It gives the piece as a whole a tremendous sense of flow and movement which works very well for the piece. The sentiment is strong and it really gets the reader thinking about their own life. I certainly started thinking about my day to day. What’s important. What I live for. Key moments. It all comes rushing to the surface.
In the spirit of honest… I’m really struggling with the ending and I think it’s that separate last line right at the end. It feels a bit like an afterthought that goes in another direction and my reader brain is like “wait a minute… come back…”
“Though comes a time” is also tripping me a bit — there comes a time?
I’m wondering if you changed the “hold onto life” to “hold a life” and chopped that last line with its ellipsis, it might be a smoother finish.
(All feedback my own thoughts and you of course don’t have to listen to any of it)
Thank you for sharing this. It was one of your pieces that took me back to reminiscing on slightly “older style Rev” that I really liked the tone of.
-M
8th Apr 2022 9:36am
Hullo
That damn last line... (Yes it was the hold up on this poem) that treacherous mountain we can never climb. The initial idea was a metaphor for time recycling, like evolution if you wish, so ending in
"calling it..." tying into the title "...living the minute". But frankly sometimes you got to admit that bright idea just doesn't fooking work... because it didn't here.
I had some edits lined up before your comment as well, so thanks for those, it made it a single process... do you think it reads a little smoother now?
(I truly appreciate your eyes, and vocalizing your thoughts, I celebrate these moments where readers share their views. Thank you for saying it as you saw it.)
I'm so happy the time progression is easily seen as a tool for the story, that was definitely the original concept of the piece. I'm really glad that caused a little introspection, what more could a writer ask for?
Yes, I have been reading some of our older writes lately, been cleaning up how they sit on the page. The cool thing is with this site functionality, you can hide em, clean em up, make the page ride tighter and open them up again. It's really cool! So I 'spose some of the earlier influence does shine through a little, not that it was planned at all.
Thank YOU!
I'm so grateful for your eyes on this, stoked you found some edits I could use and rather excited to see how other readers feel about it now.
Thank YOU again
Blue Skies @ You England!
Al
That damn last line... (Yes it was the hold up on this poem) that treacherous mountain we can never climb. The initial idea was a metaphor for time recycling, like evolution if you wish, so ending in
"calling it..." tying into the title "...living the minute". But frankly sometimes you got to admit that bright idea just doesn't fooking work... because it didn't here.
I had some edits lined up before your comment as well, so thanks for those, it made it a single process... do you think it reads a little smoother now?
(I truly appreciate your eyes, and vocalizing your thoughts, I celebrate these moments where readers share their views. Thank you for saying it as you saw it.)
I'm so happy the time progression is easily seen as a tool for the story, that was definitely the original concept of the piece. I'm really glad that caused a little introspection, what more could a writer ask for?
Yes, I have been reading some of our older writes lately, been cleaning up how they sit on the page. The cool thing is with this site functionality, you can hide em, clean em up, make the page ride tighter and open them up again. It's really cool! So I 'spose some of the earlier influence does shine through a little, not that it was planned at all.
Thank YOU!
I'm so grateful for your eyes on this, stoked you found some edits I could use and rather excited to see how other readers feel about it now.
Thank YOU again
Blue Skies @ You England!
Al
8th Apr 2022 10:18pm
Yup, sits a little better now I think. I don’t mind offering a thought or two to you because I know you can take it lol.
Enjoy the re-writes. ☀️
-M
Enjoy the re-writes. ☀️
-M
Anonymous
- Edited 19th Jul 2023 3:46am
11th Apr 2022 3:17pm
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