victima amorous

I know I shouldn’t feel this way…  
I have a great life compared to most  
But I can’t help it
I can’t help that I hate every little detail about myself
 from my head to my toes
 I’m not perfect  
I’m not a Barbie doll
 And I’m not beautiful  
I look at myself in the mirror and  
cry  
I want to do something about  
my weight lose  
but just seeing myself  
makes me want to puke  
all the problems away
 I try to exercise but when I do
I go too far
 I exercise until I collapse…
 I’m ugly. I’m fat. I’m worthless.  
Im unimportant.  
I’m…. I’m nothing…..  
There have been so many moments where I have wanted to end the suffering To end the fake smiles
the “I’m okay’s”  
To end my silent cries for help…  
I’m depressed I’m anxious I’m…  
Alone It hurts to think these things about yourself,
 but it kills when someone says these things to your face  
I have thought of so many ways to end my suffering….
 Slitting my wrists…
 hanging myself…  
or just a drug overdose…
 it’s not like I don’t have the pills..  
But something stops me every time…
I thought I was getting better haha
I’m just getting worse  
I’ve been refusing let myself sleep lately days and days until my body crumbles  
and still than waking up screaming  and stumblingand crying  from the dreams  
 
. I don’t know why My depressions getting worse..  
day by day..
I haven’t told anyone..
Everyone thinks I’ve been doing so well.. I’m under so much pressure with my  work, my weight,  
my looks and to make matters worse…  
I’m pretty sure my best friends….  
My only mother hates me My …  
likes to keep secrets and not tell me things…
. It really bothers me because …..  
I know the day I lose her, I’ll lose myself…  
I feel sick just looking in the mirror….  
Is that normal? I see all these girls on instagram just like me…  
some even worse Some with “fat” “ugly” and “useless” carved into their body and  
it makes me think that I’m not alone
But it also makes me want to cut..  
I been cutting n around week now…  
the feeling of the blade  
grazing across my pale skin
as I shut my eyes tight and let all the feelings out My friend says
if I cut again  
she will never talk to me again Is that real friendship?  
She should love me relentlessly and want to help me even if I was cutting..  
 
But I like this guy, well I love this guy  
But he has a “girlfriend”  plus I’m just not good enough for him  
i was just a secondary partner to him
never a primary
It’s probably the last one…  
definitely I love him and  
I can’t help it I want him,  
so bad But I can’t have him
I want to hug him tight…  
to press my lips against his…  
but that will never happen again  
I actually talked to him  
Shortly before I left vancouver  
face to face for the first time
since we dated It felt… amazing,
 I had been given a temporary high…
he makes me happy   
His smile brings me to my knees weak
But I’m…… hopeless romantic for a smile that makes you want to do anything
 
But I'm not that to him
 took me 3 years to see.
Beam me up scotty...
Oh scotty.  
 
I don’t know what I am
I’m filth and the fetish  
But I have my music….  
At least I have https://youtu.be/Nu3Y4f9dDbE