hearts forever 180 degrees opposed

eight years of quietude disappeared,
when your glaring msg. appeared  
murmurs of our past,  
a reminder I conjured you in my dream…  
always…  
those dreams weren’t supposed to ever  
come true tho’…again and  again.  
“no, go, okay?!” it read…  
    
:: you always have the gaslight switched on ::  
   
the same username when i created  
* your * page...  
back in 2008...,  
   
   
block?//don’t block?  
repeats 3xs: decides to let you stay,  
permanently…  
locked inside desolate, impenetrable room.  
   
my suitcase full…too heavy from memories  
i am forced to constantly carry.  
you won’t let me put it down, let me move on,  
from the past…will you?  
   
“unblocked”…did your…  
will your curiosity satisfy you?  
i try to please…  
   
so much so, i forget about me.  
   
: ii :  
    a claim you went to california,  
(and, “ha, ha, you’re still stuck over there,  
look at me, look at you!”)  
   
c o n g r a t u l a t i o n s…  
   
thank you, for leaving me behind  
    
i’m on a bed, shirtless, careless in desperation  
of trying to impress.  
bed sheets covering up chest…  
always wearing that shit-eating smirk.  
face looks completely distorted, disproportioned…  
tho’ ~  
   
slightly notices  lines ravaged from twenty/five?? years
from budweiser, pot…etc. etc.  
~ body:  
the hard edges, faded into a soft cursive, weight gain ~  
(couldn’t possibly be from heart’s regrets?)  
   
: iii :  
  ::::  and who is this stranger? did i even know them?  
were the xviii years even real?  
the last four years murdered my faerie tale :::  
 
…my mind isn’t so sure anymore…  
   
my heart is, it broke while trying to love you.  
   
and, I’m still left with trying to stitch my  
heart back up.  
these threads have become way too frayed…  
i admit, i’m afraid i’m running out of thread.  
    
~ I  doubt you’d let me borrow any?  
   
: iv :  
    …like trying to decipher a russian letter…  
   
(((i recognize your ukrainian last name.  
i use to countless times, whisper the syllables  
off my jewish tongue.)))  
    
what is it you want?  
to let me know how great your life is?  
how you now dance with glamorous girls?  
   
do you miss my fiery caresses, or just able to  
receive pleasure when you’d gaslight me…  
“no, go, okay?!”  
   
you only told me “i was beautiful”  
when you’d drown me in my own disaster…  
   
well, do you find me pretty, now?