Demon #2

MIA is the queen of all
She rules from her porcelain throne
Late at night, when I'm alone
She will call and knock at my door

She told me to call her using my fingers
When I feel like giving up
I press my knees against the floor
And bow to the toilet as my demon triggers

Quietly leave the second floor
While everybody sleeps walk to the kitchen
The fridge becomes your prison cell
And eat, eat all you don't deserve

Chug a glass of water to help
Everything will come out straight
So it won't hurt you that much
When you're starting to throw up

Once you're locked inside the bathroom,
Let the water of the sink run
Or just play your favorite song
Remember that you must disguise the noise

I kneel upon the porcelain tiles
Sobbing and wiping the tears from my eyes
I surrender to the demon that's taken my soul
And when I'm done I find myself wanting more

If your fingernails are growing
Slide your toothbrush down your throat
It's not red but feels like blood
Stomach burns, it feels so raw

Feel the taste of everything coming back
Emptying your insides for dear life
The pain that comes before the gag
The choke that makes you feel alive

Drowning myself in guilt and regret
Feeling defeated and fully ashamed
I ate what I didn't deserve
That's the price I have to pay

Lie to yourself saying that you have control
Truth is that control is what you lost
Defying death with every purge
Once you start it's hard to stop

Kneeled and sobbing after that episode
Wiping the evidence that was left off my mouth
As your heart rate slows
Brush your teeth and spit the blood of your gums

Shame, shame on me for doing this
I am brilliant yet I'm a fool
Who should I apologize to?
If I'm the only one who gets hurt

I don't even want to be that thin
It just hurts when no one can hear me scream
It helps puking out all that frustration
When you can't achieve perfection

We tear each other apart
Pointing out our imperfections
It keeps dragging me back
Staring at my own reflection


                              01/16/2021
                         Gabriela Camargo Miaw