The Turning Away

Then Don't. Just Love Your Self, instead.

Truth is, I don't know how.

Okay. Begin by apologizing to yourself for the hurts unto others maybe you have caused. And then do what you KNOW how to do, which is wait for perspective to come back, and also for yourself to do your thing and move forward those tiny tiny few  increments which you know will occur, soonish, for agonizing values of soon, as time compresses and moves seeeemingly sooooo slooow when we're feeling bad. and also, waiting until Conscious self has been able to place the memory of the last two or three things that you feel so bad and rotten about up high upon memory's shelf, because really, in the literal, grand, and concrete screams of things those things you feel so bad about are so very small, ACTUALLY, as such details, and what's nots, and things that they are, go. Soon enough, all of those people involved  , including you will have forgotten or at the very least for those poor people you have SO EGREGIOUSLY trespassed against, minor things like some random kook (rest assured, you are not a kook, this is just alliteration) having acted out in some SO VERY FUCKING RUDE way means so very very much less months and more hence down the line than it did on the day. As you well know.   
      
In others words you keep on keeping on, because those tiny, tiny, painfully tiny increments which we ALL know so very well, do, over time, build upon themselves and grow, until finally taking on the momentum of enough of their own gravity to have become something (which YOU did and BUILT and painfully NURTURED within yourself over so many long and cold self trials) which is indeed capable of yourself and able to propel, because it grants, CLARITY.      
     
You can do do that. None of the shit is really shit. It is Love, trying to come to the fore. Within love and forgiveness for the self there is love and forgiveness for the All, and within love and forgiveness for the All, there is love and forgiveness for All. And within love and forgiveness for All, there is Love for All.   
     
     
I used to rage against white men, especially middle class and upper white men, my own demographic all, so fucking hard, for their imcomprehensions toward myself, rages so hard it hurt every day and night, and I didn't know how to stop. But I knew I could, and I knew I would. I had so much shit to deal with, inside of me, and I was so very much alone, and always embarrassed of myself, always hating myself for the next outburst, the last outburst , the next 6, the last 12. When will it come, who will see it, why can't I fucking stop, why can't I fucking cry, on and on forever. Hurts, repeated.  

It really is consciousnesses' thought though, to think, “Please, help me to feel better.” #PleaseFuckingSomebodyHelpMe.      
     
     
and it will be a blur and a blip, and then you will be Free, Happy, and Full of Love. Just WORK on it. You DO know what to do even if you think you are thrashing around blind, your inner self is the smart one, and is much smarter that that. You know what to do, and you know that youCAN do it. It took me fucking decades, but i’m edward. You can probably do it much faster. I mean that, serious and true.

Thank you for this. I needed to hear what you had to say. Much love.

I'm glad to hear that. I hope it makes some kind of sense or something to you. It's so hard to know what is and what isn't







salutary.

It made a lot of sense. You spoke from the heart and I really appreciate that.

I think you're cool. And every word that you wrote are ones that I screamed into my ear , feeling deaf , about gajillion times over so many years, until my own increments had attained their own momentum. There was a lot of pain expressed which I recognized intimately. I could not help but speak.

This is absolutely fantastic filled with soul-searching truths and observations. Thanks and peace, Oral

Thank you 😊
I was feeling particularly introspective that evening. Sometimes the inner critic is louder than others. Glad you enjoyed

Dear M,

“ Just pour my
Stream of consciousness
On to the page
And watch em run”
I would beg to differ. I think you’d have a following. Your poem had me thinking of many things really, but mostly the exhaustion of this current global situation and the infuriating forced isolation. I think your take on social ineptitude and personal insecurities in this write are brilliantly conveyed and experienced by us all in one form or another. Terrific piece. H🌷

Dear H,

Your kind words of encouragement go a long way. Must admit, with or without the times being what they are, I isolate almost naturally. Still, it is comforting to be reminded that these are universal struggles and that no one is truly alone.