deepundergroundpoetry.com
Frenzy
Camera dollying backward across the hall
and then down the stairs, around cornices and past
spindles, bollards, the British boarding house
sublime. The creep has just walked in with
her, his new victim, a woman we've seen
and got to know as an East End girl of
sharp manners but kind and loyal heart, a local,
friend, barmaid, lover. We also know who
he is. Heartless rapist, murderer. Frenzied ripper.
The camera leaves and crosses the street.
We see the woman's window, square and blank,
and though we don’t see what’s inside, we know.
and then down the stairs, around cornices and past
spindles, bollards, the British boarding house
sublime. The creep has just walked in with
her, his new victim, a woman we've seen
and got to know as an East End girl of
sharp manners but kind and loyal heart, a local,
friend, barmaid, lover. We also know who
he is. Heartless rapist, murderer. Frenzied ripper.
The camera leaves and crosses the street.
We see the woman's window, square and blank,
and though we don’t see what’s inside, we know.
Published 8th Nov 2021
Author's Note
https://youtu.be/_VSXmnMJrxI
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Anonymous
- Edited 9th Nov 2021 1:27pm
9th Nov 2021 1:25pm
I haven't seen this, but before I do, I wish to critique. There is so much I want to address mostly regarding enjambment --- thus a restructure / rewrite might be easier.
from:
Camera dollying backward across the hall
and then down the stairs, around cornices and past
spindles, bollards, the British boarding house
sublime. The creep has just walked in with
her, his new victim, a woman we've seen
and got to know as an East End girl of
sharp manners but kind and loyal heart, a local,
friend, barmaid, lover. We also know who
he is. Heartless rapist, murderer. Frenzied ripper.
to:
Camera dollying backward across the hall
and then down the stairs, around cornices
and past spindles, bollards;
the British boarding house, sublime.
The creep has just walked in with her,
his new victim, a woman we've seen
and got to know as an East End girl
of sharp manners but kind and loyal heart—
a local, friend, barmaid, lover. We also know who
he is. Heartless rapist, murderer. Frenzied ripper.
The stanza ends with a brilliant enjambment!
But I feel most lines ending with "of" are weak. It's almost always stronger leading off a line or even a title, like "Of Mice And Men".
Adding the extra line creates more emphasis on the house itself and the semi colon helps set it up.
There's a natural pause after "with her," before the next line starts.
The emdash seperates multiple statements.
from:
Camera dollying backward across the hall
and then down the stairs, around cornices and past
spindles, bollards, the British boarding house
sublime. The creep has just walked in with
her, his new victim, a woman we've seen
and got to know as an East End girl of
sharp manners but kind and loyal heart, a local,
friend, barmaid, lover. We also know who
he is. Heartless rapist, murderer. Frenzied ripper.
to:
Camera dollying backward across the hall
and then down the stairs, around cornices
and past spindles, bollards;
the British boarding house, sublime.
The creep has just walked in with her,
his new victim, a woman we've seen
and got to know as an East End girl
of sharp manners but kind and loyal heart—
a local, friend, barmaid, lover. We also know who
he is. Heartless rapist, murderer. Frenzied ripper.
The stanza ends with a brilliant enjambment!
But I feel most lines ending with "of" are weak. It's almost always stronger leading off a line or even a title, like "Of Mice And Men".
Adding the extra line creates more emphasis on the house itself and the semi colon helps set it up.
There's a natural pause after "with her," before the next line starts.
The emdash seperates multiple statements.
9th Nov 2021 1:38pm
