Grief

Circling the dawn of middle age,
Many have been loved and lost.
Each life made an impact;
Brought colour, joy and memories.
The greatest loss was the first:
Was I just young and impressionable?
Partly... but after quarter of a century
Some unexpected quiet moments,
Some challenges at work
And the mention of Christingles
Provide dazzling emotional recall.
I am transported back to that moment
And every now and then
Allow myself to feel that shock and pain.

They say that there are stages of grief
And that might be true,
But what they don't tell you is that
They are not linear.
They stop and start, change and turn
In labyrinthine patterns.
They say that time heals;
We certainly move on.
But in reality time just puts more distance
Between the now, and the then.
We grow accustomed to the loss;
Accept it, even ignore it
Until we are reminded
And emotion bursts forth.

You were my mentor, my friend, my hero.
I wanted to be like you.
I wanted to BE you.
I looked forward to a lifetime
Of sharing ideas,
Of being gently steered along the path I chose,
Of your positive input
And irreverent humour.
I only got three more months.
We were all cheated of that time
While you were shortchanged in your fourth decade.

Such overwhelming shock and rending pain
I will never again experience,
Although when I allow myself
To look back in my memory to that day
And peek through nervous fingers at the scene,
The heartbreaking despair remains.
I cried all night and silently screamed
At the universe to bring you back.
Casual acquaintances and essay deadlines
Did not understand.
I went through the motions with my mind only on you.
I was so lost, and having to navigate this life alone.
After all these years, I have to hope
That I am getting it right,
That you would approve
And that you would be proud of your enormous legacy.

They say that it is better to have loved and lost
Than to never have loved at all.
My heart is so full;
Although our time was short,
I was so wonderfully blessed.
I will never forget.
Gone but not forgotten,
Until we meet again.