Tonito

no name/number/wall/floors/bars/pea green/ice box/scared to death/life in their hands/your life/ their hands/everything ready/be calm/can’t be calm/sweat pouring down/change shirt/third time/last one/stop sweating/more deodorant/gone/use your cellmates/fight coming/make it up to him/everything ready to go/can’t come back/won’t let you/go through it again/one more time/remember everything/remember.

late at night/flirting with asleep/pounding/front door/no choice/soldier/soldiers obey/get in car/crying mother/screaming sister/in the car/driving/dead silence/smoke/sweet smoke/dull the knowledge/name from the past/where/directions/no problem/prove yourself/loyal/family/gun in waistband/know now/what now/can’t do it/better do it/consequences coming/bad ones.

wrong turn/lead them away/pissed off/getting late/warning/hard warning/hard to breathe/can’t do it/say you don’t remember/they don’t believe/dawn breaking/driving for hours/stay awake/head dropping/head home/deal with your shit later.

over for now/highway ahead/wrong turn/wrong house/people on lawn/party/slow down/windows down/guns out/unbearable loudness/won’t stop/cover ears/chaos/screeching tires/highway/slow down/speed up/weaving/blue lights/lots of blue lights/on knees/fingers locked/face meet asphalt/back of car/no smoke/up in smoke.

questions/can’t remember/both sides/ asking/careful how you answer/careful who you answer/stay on your side/stay with your side/no cross over/no conversation/only brown showers/only brown toilets/stay up all night/watch/patch of yard/piece of sky/watch where you walk/watch how you walk/who you walk by/stay on the path.

years and years/some the same/most the same/sameness/things you’ve done/alone/secured housing/thundering silence/earned the right/doesn’t come at once/see the madness/over time/make the change/small change/pull away/little by little/older/wiser/still attached/much older/go your way/count you out/your time/mostly yours/read/write/think/think a lot/write some more/poetry/reflection/change the life/possible/make a list/all those hurt/long list/really long list.

parole board/name/number/crime/why/responsible/yes sir/yes mam/remorse/yes sir/yes mam/prison record/not so good/why change/time/understanding/lots of time/education/imparted wisdom/pain caused/waste of potential/mostly waste of potential/parole plans/really/kidding/ me/parole plans/help mom and sister/college/work/write/stay clean/come back/can’t/won’t/never happen/leave room/come back/granted/tears/no joy/tears of pain/pain for pain caused.

not so fast/governor/roadblock/lots of help/good attorneys/who’d have thought/ good attorneys/pass the roadblock/get the date/mother cries/sister screams/out the door/eighteen years/half a life/took theirs/remember that/always remember that/no more number/person/tonito.