As I can be

It's funny to look at my life today
Writing was never in my radar

The thing is I struggle with languages
I would give it my all but still suck at it
Math comes so natural to me
I honestly believed that would be my path

Yet the thing is when it comes to failure
I am stubborn in this regard
I know nobody can do anything
But an innate part of me believes it can
If it can be learned then its only a matter of time before I can do it

However this trait is also coupled with a motive
So it took almost failing for me to decide
I want to be really good at it
Before this point I stopped giving a damn
I mean I did try, did I not?
So why was I getting the short end of the stick

Many years have passed since that point
And I now find myself in a position
Where I am a bit of a jack of all traits
I sit here remembering a strange saying
Yet I don't remember who said it:

'Too many options may kill a man'

For the first time in my life
I don't know what I want my next to be
The crazy part is that I have so many options
I made it a point to learn as much as I can
Both the theoretical and the practical
I have all these tools for different situations
Yet to some degree one has to outshine the rest
It's a hard choice for me
As there is so much to evaluate

I'm comfortable with the time I have now
I appreciate the time to do nothing
I feel like I've always been doing something
I've never just taken the time to 'be'
I enjoyed the things I've done
Yet a part of me feels a bit disillusioned

Some payoff or even a small breakthrough would be nice

It's good to dream yes
But unfortunately our stomachs
do need feeding

I don't think anyone ever has it figured out
But a part of me wishes I have the next 3 steps

So for now I just write
It's my one consistent habit
Especially on days when I feel lost

I don't think my future is bleak though
It's just today is one of those days
Where there is no light peaking
In this tunnel
I'm just walking hoping that I'm still going in the right direction