deepundergroundpoetry.com
weddings & funerals
we gather, and we sing. i am not there.
i am a comfort to my mother, who has lost her father
but i am not there.
the king is dead; long live the king
his boxing gloves atop his polished coffin
his fields stretch out a-yonder
his castle’s sliding doors.
in his iambs and his rhymes
god’s will be done.
in his children’s grieven voices
his legacy will come.
they line the street in lieu of
dancing for his spirit as they ought-
condolences fill pages of a memoir
he could not have wrought
from his dying mind.
and his hands will always be oaken in my own
his eye a bright mischief
he would be satisfied with how it was done,
i think.
he smiled all through his wake:
there is a new baby born! a new grandchild
to slip secret euros to
in hushed conspiracy
winking
he will be missed till the cows
his cows
come home
i am a comfort to my mother, who has lost her father
but i am not there.
the king is dead; long live the king
his boxing gloves atop his polished coffin
his fields stretch out a-yonder
his castle’s sliding doors.
in his iambs and his rhymes
god’s will be done.
in his children’s grieven voices
his legacy will come.
they line the street in lieu of
dancing for his spirit as they ought-
condolences fill pages of a memoir
he could not have wrought
from his dying mind.
and his hands will always be oaken in my own
his eye a bright mischief
he would be satisfied with how it was done,
i think.
he smiled all through his wake:
there is a new baby born! a new grandchild
to slip secret euros to
in hushed conspiracy
winking
he will be missed till the cows
his cows
come home
Published 19th Jan 2021
| Edited 20th Jan 2021
Author's Note
as always, no criticism will be taken personally despite the obvious personal nature of this: I’d rather do the man justice than not
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
"and his hands will always be oaken in my own
his eye a bright mischief" -- i love these lines
so only because you're looking to get critique, and i feel this. my grandmother died last week... i'm really sorry for your loss. i really hope this whole thing isn't way off, but i took the poem pretty literally. here goes:
i feel like the first half of the poem is littered with punctuation and the second half, we only have the exclamation after "born". don't know if that was intentional, doesn't harm the poem but it does read a bit inconsistent. it made me curious your mentioning his iambs and rhymes, so he wrote poetry too? if so, i appreciate more your little rhyming bits. and mayhap it tugs on your rebellion bell to put them in a form like:
"in his iambs and his rhymes
god’s will be done
in his children’s voices
his legacy will come" - but it might make it easier to get the rhythm, or make them the two lines of iambics... but maybe that's a style preference. and if it were the two lines that would go better with punctuation than without
at first i didn't like how "from his dying mind" was separate, but i think it's cos i didn't read the stanza before it with a rhythm. reading aloud, it was a really nice transition from an almost cheerful memory to a more grounded, personal one, leading into a more personal couple of lines. i enjoy that bit most now.
i feel like the next stanza could have been done differently in introducing the birth of a baby. the image of how he would have been with his grandchild is heartwarming, but the exclamation feels a bit off. felt like the natural progression would have been less of a jolt and more consistent with the mood in the previous couplet and the final 3 lines.. something similar to
"he would be satisfied with how it was done i think
though his brand new grandchild
never got their grins from his secret euros
or the conspiratorial wink"
anyway, just my two. it's really sweet and your grandfather would be proud. hope you showed off some of your skills with him if he was into poetry as well
his eye a bright mischief" -- i love these lines
so only because you're looking to get critique, and i feel this. my grandmother died last week... i'm really sorry for your loss. i really hope this whole thing isn't way off, but i took the poem pretty literally. here goes:
i feel like the first half of the poem is littered with punctuation and the second half, we only have the exclamation after "born". don't know if that was intentional, doesn't harm the poem but it does read a bit inconsistent. it made me curious your mentioning his iambs and rhymes, so he wrote poetry too? if so, i appreciate more your little rhyming bits. and mayhap it tugs on your rebellion bell to put them in a form like:
"in his iambs and his rhymes
god’s will be done
in his children’s voices
his legacy will come" - but it might make it easier to get the rhythm, or make them the two lines of iambics... but maybe that's a style preference. and if it were the two lines that would go better with punctuation than without
at first i didn't like how "from his dying mind" was separate, but i think it's cos i didn't read the stanza before it with a rhythm. reading aloud, it was a really nice transition from an almost cheerful memory to a more grounded, personal one, leading into a more personal couple of lines. i enjoy that bit most now.
i feel like the next stanza could have been done differently in introducing the birth of a baby. the image of how he would have been with his grandchild is heartwarming, but the exclamation feels a bit off. felt like the natural progression would have been less of a jolt and more consistent with the mood in the previous couplet and the final 3 lines.. something similar to
"he would be satisfied with how it was done i think
though his brand new grandchild
never got their grins from his secret euros
or the conspiratorial wink"
anyway, just my two. it's really sweet and your grandfather would be proud. hope you showed off some of your skills with him if he was into poetry as well
thank you, that’s all really thoughtful. yes, he wrote poems , for people’s birthdays, as part of letters, in a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme. i considered doing the whole thing in an iambic pentameter but it felt un-sombre. and i don’t know if i have the skill for it.
he had Alzheimer’s, which is why “dying mind” is there and why it is not embellished
i didn’t know how to introduce the baby as it is so ... uh English brain where- juxtaposed from the death. but he would have been overjoyed, even at his own funeral, to know he had a grandchild born a day before
I’ve had a bit of a fiddle around with it, what do you think?
he had Alzheimer’s, which is why “dying mind” is there and why it is not embellished
i didn’t know how to introduce the baby as it is so ... uh English brain where- juxtaposed from the death. but he would have been overjoyed, even at his own funeral, to know he had a grandchild born a day before
I’ve had a bit of a fiddle around with it, what do you think?
heeey, it looks a lot better (in my opinion), especially the way you broke the lines and fixed the little mini poem third stanza. and the part around the baby looks more streamlined, too, sorted by and with the stanza before it, still a mishmash of the sombre and playful. (and the punctuation, good choice) a fine tribute. shine on, starfish
20th Jan 2021 10:11pm
thank you so much. it does no good to make an Irish rememberance too unhappy. and I am sorry I omitted to say I am sorry for your loss also x
23rd Jan 2021 5:24pm
This write reminded me of a song, "Every Generation" by Ronnie Laws. Also reminded me that baseball lost the home run king.
Great write!
Great write!
23rd Jan 2021 5:26pm
thank you... none of that was my intention but your thoughts appreciated nonetheless
