forced

i miss you
i miss what we never had
i miss wanting you to be mine
i miss hating when you didn't notice me
because i don't any more and somehow that's worse

the ache whenever i saw you was comforting
but now it's faded and i'm scared
i want the familiarity of that craving back
i'm trying to feel for you but i don't know if it's working

whenever i see you, i feel something i can't explain
something tries to spark, but doesn't quite make it
even writing this doesn't feel right
but fuck i just want to feel something
i wish i still felt like i needed you
because i know now that i don't need you
and that terrifies me beyond words

please just smile at me or something
give me some false hope that will drag me back down
down into that familiar emptiness when i see you
because this emptiness feels different and dangerous
this isn't even really about you, you just happened to be there

i'm so scared of the future, and you were 6 whole years of my life
i feel like if i can throw myself back into those feelings
then i can go back in time somehow
i know it's stupid and i'm so fucking sick of this
but i'm scared goddammit
i just want to want you again