deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Lost Soul
You finally decide it's time
to take a running start.
But your dreams come crashing down
before your feet begin to part.
Now you're spinning and you're churning
Just waiting for the ground.
And you try to scream and holler
but your heartbeat is the only sound.
Then your realize all your dreams are
simply slipping through your fingers.
And that the sudden clouds of
Hopelessness have now begun to linger.
The light is slowly fading
Like the flame within your soul.
Then in a storm of pain and sorrow
Out fly all your goals.
With ten billion thoughts all
Racing through your mind.
You realize you will finally
meet your judgement time.
So with the past now in your present
And your future with no life.
You close the final chapter
And begin eternal night.
to take a running start.
But your dreams come crashing down
before your feet begin to part.
Now you're spinning and you're churning
Just waiting for the ground.
And you try to scream and holler
but your heartbeat is the only sound.
Then your realize all your dreams are
simply slipping through your fingers.
And that the sudden clouds of
Hopelessness have now begun to linger.
The light is slowly fading
Like the flame within your soul.
Then in a storm of pain and sorrow
Out fly all your goals.
With ten billion thoughts all
Racing through your mind.
You realize you will finally
meet your judgement time.
So with the past now in your present
And your future with no life.
You close the final chapter
And begin eternal night.
Published 1st Feb 2012
| Edited 2nd Feb 2012
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comments 2
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2nd Feb 2012 2:24am
babygurljrl
My second read.
A few things I would like to share:
-The poem might not be in the right
category. It fits to be in 'self'
poem in stead of 'dark'.
-Like I have said earlier CAPS at the
beginning of each sentence hamper the
flow. JMHO.
-'but your heartbeats the only sound'
The need of an 'are' post heartbeats.
-'You realize you will now
finally meet your judgement time'
'now' and 'will' are ambiguous in
the same sentence.
-Lastly I would suggest an edit with
the punctuations as most of them are
redundant.
Thanks for sharing,
S'
My second read.
A few things I would like to share:
-The poem might not be in the right
category. It fits to be in 'self'
poem in stead of 'dark'.
-Like I have said earlier CAPS at the
beginning of each sentence hamper the
flow. JMHO.
-'but your heartbeats the only sound'
The need of an 'are' post heartbeats.
-'You realize you will now
finally meet your judgement time'
'now' and 'will' are ambiguous in
the same sentence.
-Lastly I would suggest an edit with
the punctuations as most of them are
redundant.
Thanks for sharing,
S'
2nd Feb 2012 5:07am
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. I agree with everything you are saying except one thing I don't find is right for what I was trying to convey (this was written about eight years ago). I didn't put "your heartbeats "are" the only sound" because I wanted it to read like "your heartbeat IS the only sound". Also the only punctuation I used throughout the poem are periods and I put them when i had initially written it because I found they helped me with how I wanted it to sound when reading it aloud. I know some people who do not punctuate poetry and some who do so I am just going to leave it. I have made the other changes that you pointed out, however. I also found that it fit better in the "dark" category because it is supposed to be about someone who realizes in their final moments before death that they have wasted their whole life away. I just didn't find it fit under the "self" category because it is not based on personal experience or feelings really.
Thanks for taking time out of your day to comment and I hope you will check out some of my other work:)
Thanks for taking time out of your day to comment and I hope you will check out some of my other work:)
