deepundergroundpoetry.com
The rift`s eternal gift
In the smoky mist of time, the echo of the G string wine
standing in the spotlight be, always and forever shine.
Strutting brazen like a peacock, ease the gift the humming bee
centre stage your impromptu act.
Honey payment, the crowds that scream
the epitaph of always evergreen.
Chanting, clapping, stamping, mimic every lyric
wear the Tee-shirt, a million Facebook hits
hang platinum and golden discs.
The stinging void, his sum in shadows as it dips
not the everyday, the fag-butt hanging from the lips
fighting each day. Being valiant ,the last track your philosophy
kept alive Van Halen, as I sing the eternal rift.
Now flying on the wings of entropy
the strings still vibrating on his finger tips.
A last review; I hear the angels clap and cheer?
So welcoming the devil's leer?
Another gig, but just not here
standing in the spotlight be, always and forever shine.
Strutting brazen like a peacock, ease the gift the humming bee
centre stage your impromptu act.
Honey payment, the crowds that scream
the epitaph of always evergreen.
Chanting, clapping, stamping, mimic every lyric
wear the Tee-shirt, a million Facebook hits
hang platinum and golden discs.
The stinging void, his sum in shadows as it dips
not the everyday, the fag-butt hanging from the lips
fighting each day. Being valiant ,the last track your philosophy
kept alive Van Halen, as I sing the eternal rift.
Now flying on the wings of entropy
the strings still vibrating on his finger tips.
A last review; I hear the angels clap and cheer?
So welcoming the devil's leer?
Another gig, but just not here
Published 28th Oct 2020
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The author encourages honest critique.
28th Oct 2020 1:11pm
Very nice tribute, Slip! Best of luck in the comp.
I know you like honest critique, so here are a few suggestions:
In the smoky mist of time, the echo of the G string wine
standing in the spotlight be, always and forever shine.
Strutting brazen like a peacock, ease the gift the humming bee
centre stage your impromptu act.
Honey payment, the crowds that scream
the epitaph of always evergreen.
Chanting, clapping, stamping, mimic every lyric
wear the [T or Tee- ] shirt, a million facebook ( facebook is one word ) hits
hang platinum and golden discs.
The stinging void, his sum in shadows as it dips
not the everyday, the fag[ - ]butt hanging from the lips
fighting each day. [B]eing valiant ,the last track your philosophy
kept alive Van Halen, as I sing the eternal rift.
Now flying on the wings of entropy
the strings still vibrating on his finger tips.
A last review; I hear the angels clap and cheer?
[S]o welcoming the devil's leer?
[A]nother gig, but just not here
Watch and be consistent with your capitalizations after punctuation. I have bracketed the words that should be capped. Also, autocorrect probably got you, but facebook is one word, and it's T-shirt or Tee-shirt.
I know you like honest critique, so here are a few suggestions:
In the smoky mist of time, the echo of the G string wine
standing in the spotlight be, always and forever shine.
Strutting brazen like a peacock, ease the gift the humming bee
centre stage your impromptu act.
Honey payment, the crowds that scream
the epitaph of always evergreen.
Chanting, clapping, stamping, mimic every lyric
wear the [T or Tee- ] shirt, a million facebook ( facebook is one word ) hits
hang platinum and golden discs.
The stinging void, his sum in shadows as it dips
not the everyday, the fag[ - ]butt hanging from the lips
fighting each day. [B]eing valiant ,the last track your philosophy
kept alive Van Halen, as I sing the eternal rift.
Now flying on the wings of entropy
the strings still vibrating on his finger tips.
A last review; I hear the angels clap and cheer?
[S]o welcoming the devil's leer?
[A]nother gig, but just not here
Watch and be consistent with your capitalizations after punctuation. I have bracketed the words that should be capped. Also, autocorrect probably got you, but facebook is one word, and it's T-shirt or Tee-shirt.
28th Oct 2020 2:59pm
The punctuation was quite hard. thanks if it catches the judges imagination the credits should be shared
