I'm Not The Type To Say I Told You So

Suicidal tendencies carried into nights
made to clarify the corruption of the masochistic dreams.
It's manipulation of our own cold blooded murders
with the prescriptions we fill in private
made to ease but mangle this unattainable disdain.
Just another overpriced placebo
left to soak in the hesitation 
drowning in this catastrophe I hopelessly imitate.
But it's my own suicidle love that's being tested-
again my intentions are nearly hindered
once weakened with this noose
now hung up in your hate.
Razor-blade worn kisses
I'm left unable to return to your tetanus filled rusted lips
now sewn shut and soaked in deceit.
You're lies.
So I just stand here
defenseless.
I'm doing my best and trying so hard to face my own perspective
but I'm on the wrong side of this beating
so I just watch as I beat myself senseless.
I'll be fine... you left me all but abused.
Broken already
but how could you leave me so battered?
Consumed by each moment
I'm finding myself more lost...
you may still be my only escape.
The illusion you left now illuminating the night sky
a brief ray of light that was gone in an instant.
Metaphor for my hope...
as it falls to the ground and shatters.
Don't just write me off like this
you can't take credit for a missing person
not if they were never really missed.
And you can't hide what's already hidden..
besides
that's all I've even got.
So I'll be hiding my secret
keeping it out of sight.
The only chance I've ever had to play it safe
save one last thing in my life I so badly messed up.
My past I always kept in silence
ashamed of tragic times
the times I still haven't spoke of
memories that haunt me in my sleep
even to this day.
I'm not a liar...
but I would lie to your fucking face about my pain.
Will this ever go away?
God I hope it doesn't.
It almost kills me to think I'd actaully be willing to die for it
but hurts more to know that it's the only reason I'm here
it's keeping me alive.
Why am I still alive?
Now my mistakes only lay lifeless
entangled and decaying
trapt within my mind
deep in the dark where I refuse to remember.
They stay comatose inside diluted mental delusions
a discrepancy temporarily confined.
Repercussions I failed to learn from
my actions...
I only hurt myself in the end...
And this time, too.
Tell me
if you cause me pain
do you even feel the effect?
I dare you to make me hurt enough to feel the blood...
or feel anything at all.
Let me drag you through this hell now
show you what you've done
to me...
to yourself..
and in time to everyone else.
What does misery really feel like anyways?
I wouldn't know.
See, I chose to save myself the pain
so long ago I let myself forget
I threw any chance away
along with the ability to trust...
I've never let myself give in to giving myself a chance to regret.
But I do regret that.
I was wrong and I made a mistake,
my vulnerability just got the best of me.
Too young to have made such a permanent decision.
Too late to take it all back now.
So I let this heart be held
holding itself upright
but forced back in wrong just once
now it's screwed up and upside down.
But kept safe under lock and key.
Now I realize I really should have made a spare
or at least held on to one
I fucked up
yeah
but don't blame me for thinking with my head at the time.
Just how long do you plan to hold the past against me?
I don't feel bad
knowing I have nothing to risk
I can never be hurt.
But you can... and will.
By yourself
by somebody else...
it doesn't even matter.
I'm just doomed to be happy I guess
disposed of by everyone once already...
Now I'm keeping this all to myself
so effortless still
though my efforts still lay waste in vain..
Locks serve two purposes
but it's all the same.
I thought I was locking everyone out
no one ever warned me I was also locking in the pain.
What ever resentment was left when I last turned that key...
it never went away
and at that moment I was hurting so bad
so much worse then I will ever let anyone see.
Now that's all I have
it's what I'm made of...
or what I became when I caught up with myself
and it became a part of me.
I'll just wait a little longer
I can't do much else
maybe...
maybe someday it'll lose it's strength
unlock itself
fall off the skin
get lost along the way.
Though even after all this time
nothing seems to change
we still retain this web of lies
for nothing
no reason but to waste some time.
Then we seek what our own stupidity is to blind to see...
a lifetime we let pass
but our doubt will always remain..
forever cursed
never not doubting each others trust.

I think we finally found ourselves...
well...
at least you caught a glimpse of us.
We're stuck in time
just somewhere else
where we don't belong.
Reflections we left...
it was all we had back then
but we screwed them into spending another eternity searching
still they seek the truth we failed to find...
even though we've had it all along.
Why did I have to be the only one willing to admit to this?
The interventions we sell ourselves 
it's just more time to waste
these cures we can't commit to
are just money to blow
(just blow your fucking brains out) 
I hope you realize
you not getting better anytime soon.
Attempts
yeah... we're attempting to make a change
we almost thought to try
to make it worth the effort.
It's just not worth it...
it's more lies we let ourselves believe
to make ourselves feel better again
and it's all in vain.
But we always believe it anyways.
Our intentions are quick to disappear
swift to simply fade
extinguished by the wants we never intended to divulge.
It was way too late for us
even as it all began
and that was so long ago now.
We become our own addictions..
the only thing we really do fear 
yet we fall in love with it in such a short time
we won't admit it 
how we truly admire that which we despise
favoring the things inside ourselves
the parts you love to hate.
Don't turn away from it
just take it as it is
as it will always be
they way I've always been.
Just man up and face this
there's no use in fighting it now
so let your fears feed the flames
and let me burn the way I please
or put yourself out
don't waste precious space out on the edge
get out of the way
or out of my life...
either way's fine.
Some of us still breath
for this reason alone...
I could die for the heat
and I think I just might..
so go stand in the cold
when you feel this passion starts to get hot
let us be alone to aspyhxiate ourselves in this smoke filled room 
while we set fire to the fuel that depicts our desires
intensify this shit staind lust.