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Welcome to the insane loop
Waking up and internally twiddling concepts of overcoming
a defeatist complex, while catering to staying defeated,
became commonplace.
"Today's the day where I stop switching on the insane loop",
were thoughts that would cloud my mind.
The insane loop that I had ventured ever so often into,
would trigger whenever I got closer to fixing my problems.
I would look into the mirror, attempting to find a soul
worth living for. Fainting a smile at my pupils,
knowing sadness is what's encapsulating me.
I would plague myself with negativity,
because I've been conditioned to use it as a stimulator,
so happiness felt like it never had a home to begin with.
"You can't do it by yourself, everyone needs someone".
were the words swinging like a pendulum internally.
I kept searching for other people to believe in me,
and I went about in a weird way.
I would pay attention to the dynamics of any group I was in,
so that I could a find way in,
and possibly a way out of who I am.
My inspiration became solely based on the crowd I
surrounded myself with.
As soon as they stopped believing in who they were or me,
I'd venture onto the next group.
"Maybe I'm broken beyond repair",
was reverberating throughout my mind,
after each group failed the goal I had set forth.
What made this more frustrating was being
aware of what I was putting myself through;
this was my insane loop
a defeatist complex, while catering to staying defeated,
became commonplace.
"Today's the day where I stop switching on the insane loop",
were thoughts that would cloud my mind.
The insane loop that I had ventured ever so often into,
would trigger whenever I got closer to fixing my problems.
I would look into the mirror, attempting to find a soul
worth living for. Fainting a smile at my pupils,
knowing sadness is what's encapsulating me.
I would plague myself with negativity,
because I've been conditioned to use it as a stimulator,
so happiness felt like it never had a home to begin with.
"You can't do it by yourself, everyone needs someone".
were the words swinging like a pendulum internally.
I kept searching for other people to believe in me,
and I went about in a weird way.
I would pay attention to the dynamics of any group I was in,
so that I could a find way in,
and possibly a way out of who I am.
My inspiration became solely based on the crowd I
surrounded myself with.
As soon as they stopped believing in who they were or me,
I'd venture onto the next group.
"Maybe I'm broken beyond repair",
was reverberating throughout my mind,
after each group failed the goal I had set forth.
What made this more frustrating was being
aware of what I was putting myself through;
this was my insane loop
Published 27th Aug 2020
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