Struggles and Triumphs

End of August can you believe?

1.50 am and I sit, once again, awake. This seems to be a regular pattern for the past few weeks. I try and listen for the phone for a late-night text chat which more often than not doesn’t come. I will sleep early for a couple of hours, exhausted, and then wake around 12 or 1 to check the phone. Getting back to sleep is the tough bit, especially if there is a message. I reply, and I hope. Possibly leading on to a conversation which leaves me like a marshmallow and sleeping with a half-smile on my loved face. I’m frequently too late.  Reading back over old messages reminds me that I am loved and have nothing to fear. Yet old scars are a bastard with their lack of healing and they rear their ugly head more than I would like.

Inner work has been high on my priority in the past few days. I have even deleted all of my social media in the hope that the lack of scrolling will help me do things like this; write, and watch coaching lessons on youtube to answer my question about romance.

Sure, I’ve loads to offer. Loads. Should I list them? Well, all the usual stuff of course and yet, in pops this monster who reminds me I have been dumped, lied to and cheated on goodness knows how many times and that the common denominator is me. So there must be something wrong with me. So I sit and wait for the conversation which tells me I have ruined things once again and it’s over.

But this one seems different. Even though my fears are still the same. This one tells me he’s not losing me. Tells me we will grow old together. Yet not acting quite so ‘couple-y’, mixed in with my mind chatter, does see me stuck on a Ferris wheel of thought unable to get off. I recall the conversation on the phone a couple of weeks ago. He told me he’s 80% there and we must enjoy this time while we are ‘sorting ourselves out’ so we can look back and say, ‘remember when…'

Life is feeling generally good. The top and middle floors look outstanding and so much more than I ever imagined.  Yes, the kitchen is a total building site but we are making amazing progress despite the plumbing needing a complete sort out - surplus to one's budget - but it will be incredible. A real social space is being created and I can’t wait to log back into Instagram and give everyone an update.
Any day now I should hear about my project proposal in relation to the Covid research, which will be wonderful, and no doubt the little cohort of dresses I ordered online to wear at the new job will arrive sometime before Christmas. Kids are good, the dog is good, mum is always going to be mum and that’s kind of becoming okay, my online business is growing every day. Soon enough life will be back to a routine and I’ll head to the gym, get swimming underwater and fix these lungs (I even have new goggles!), walk the dog in the trees and hope for some coffee dates with a man who I’m completely in love with (and hope he still loves me as much as he said he did back in January).

This inner work, well, I’m making progress. It’s apparently about knowing you are lovable. Heck yeah, I'm super lovable. I know this. I think he does too. Must drive him nuts though when I need reassurances which he is a little too busy to give, or doesn’t see the need to because he once told me already.
Muhammad Ali didn't think he was the greatest. But he told himself he was, over and over. People started to believe he was the greatest and before long, he was.
So is that what I need to do? Tell me i'm lovable? probably. But I do know that. It’s not new news. But I guess its more because I expect them to stop feeling like that which ends up manifesting into total fear of rejection over and over again. The fear is worse than the actual day to day stuff is amiss. How do I deal with that? Ask him? Oh god, how pathetic. ‘Are we okay?’ = a sure-fire way of making him run in the other direction.

School starts back next week. He gave me a simple ‘bear with me’ which I am going to telepathically hope means, ‘once school is back…’ Let’s see.
2.20am - more building and paint brushing to do tomorrow so best I try meditating myself to sleep.