The fear of always being secretly judged (~pt. 1)

*This article contains depictions of anxiety, but I hope it can help people by speaking about it.  
    
✵彡✵彡✵彡    
     
~I think one of the scariest things I will always encounter in my life is the feeling of absolute dread when I’m being evaluated by others. It’s probably why I’m quite the perfectionist (in a bad way, not in a good way).    
     
For some reason, it always feels like I have to be aware of my surroundings at all times, in case I slip up and someone is watching. And it always paralyzes me temporarily when someone actually does come into my personal space, but I never noticed them.    
     
I’m just so scared of people seeing me make a mistake, and this is probably a fear that everyone has. But, why would someone be scared, even when there is no pressure on them? How can I still feel like someone is secretly judging me.?    
     
Every day.      
Every minute.      
Every second.      
I felt like someone is secretly judging me...often for no reason.    
     
After being alive for a while and getting more comfortable with self-reflecting, this has gotten better over time. Though, moments do pop up when this gets to me so much that it throws off my guard, well enough that it ruins my mood for the day or I can’t fall asleep at night.    

I am going to separate this article into two parts/chapters:
First chapter > childhood anxiety
~It goes into what experiences caused this fear
Second chapter > present day me
~ It goes into how I am dealing with this fear everyday
     
ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚ch. 1: childhood anxiety˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ    
     
part a) ’Them’ = never at fault. ‘Me’ = always at fault.    
     
(´•̥ ᵔ •̥')*ᶜʳᶦᵉˢ*    
     
One of the weirdest moments I’ve experienced was when I was in preschool and I was forced to eat a peanut butter chocolate bar from my babysitter even though my parents specifically told her that I had a peanut allergy.    
     
That morning, she started shoving the bar in my face, and told me to eat all of it and go to school as if I was okay with it.    
     
As any 3 year old would be, I was terrified of her as she told me this. I can still remember the face she made while she was looking down at me, disgusted and determined to get her way.      
     
So what happened after I ate it? Well...I tried my best to hold all my vomit on the school bus, but it was over as soon as I got into the classroom.    
     
Picturing it in my head still gives me the chills, and I can still feel slightly nauseous over the smell of peanuts every time I think of this.    
     
The funny thing was, that even after this, my parents still continued to send me to this babysitter even though this had happened to me. I get that my parents were strapped for cash, but, I was absolutely terrified of going back to her.    
     
It was like, none of the shitty vomit (literally) she made me puke ever happened. It was so confusing to me that I still had to go back to her, even though the evidence was clearly there that she did this to me.      
     
I already felt so guilty about creating a mess in the classroom, and now that my parents had treated her like she did nothing wrong, it felt like at the time, that puking out my chocolate bar was my fault. It felt like it was my fault that I was allergic to peanuts.    
     
Of course, I’ve moved on from such an incident, and I don’t hold any grudges anymore.      
     
Though, I can still recall many, many, many experiences like this throughout my years in grade school where something bad happened to me. Though, out of “kindness” I never told on my perpetrator, and I think it could stem from this particular incident.    
     
You can just imagine how many bad friends have insulted me or have taken advantage of me and I never did anything about it but blame myself for the fact that they’re angry. It just makes me cringe now that I‘m older.      
     
༄ؘ Ending thoughts:      
This experience contributes to my fear of being secretly judged because this fear involves becoming a top-notch expert at finding the smallest excuses to judge yourself for some sort of wrongdoing, even when you’re not at fault.    
     
Because many of the things that were done to me had no consequences for the other person, (well, cause I made them that way, though I never knew that) I constantly felt that I was flawed since I was very young.    
     
part b) Compare, compare, compare    
     
(◞ ‸ ◟ㆀ__)    
     
I don’t think I started feeling any (metaphorical) tangible sort of self-worth until I started getting high grades in junior high.      
(In elementary, I was basically the “sad, invisible kid”. Though, that’s just how I felt really.)    
     
Anyways, it was such a whirlwind of emotions once I got “smarter”. Once I started becoming somewhat academically outstanding, people started noticing me more.    
   
Though, all of this excitement started to drag down by about grade 8, and I was back to being good ol’ invisible me.      
     
However, thanks to my grades, I started to gain some nicer friends, and in particular, they were “smarter” friends than any others I’ve ever met before. Especially, this one girl in particular.      
I’m just gonna call her Smart Girl.    
     
Not by coincidence, Smart Girl had ended up of joining me in my pre-advanced placement classes and she was always the top of each class. She is still my friend today and it’s not only cause she was intelligent, but she is extremely nice too. It just seemed like she was perfect.    
             
Now, I don’t want to blame her for anything, but as one can guess, I always felt inadequate compared to her.      
     
Being the smartest made her the most popular with guys, with teachers and the most recognized for her talents...hell, she even ended up of painting a mural for the entire school. If that doesn’t scream “extraordinary” then I don’t know what does.    
     
Now, I know someone might think that I would’ve pushed myself harder competitively so that I could be on her level. But, ironically, the opposite happened.      
I felt defeated because of her.    
     
Of course, I did push myself hard, and I even studied in the library almost every recess when she went outside to play with the rest of our friend group.    
     
But, no, I never was able to reach her level of “intelligence” even as hard as I tried. Until graduation, I was behind her in grade average ranking in every class we had together.    
     
༄ؘ Ending thoughts:      
I still meet people like Smart Girl everyday and I still feel a little envious of them deep in my core, even though I really try hard not to be.    
     
One of these people is even my own father, who studied to be a mechanical engineer and worked as a leading engineer in Toyota Philippines.    
     
Also, this is unusual, but, whenever I’m being corrected for my mistakes by someone who has a reputation for being “smart,” I definitely shrivel up inside, like a rotting leaf.      
     
I feel as if, you guessed it, like they are secretly judging me for not being as smart as them.      
Haha, and I know how unfounded this sounds, but, I definitely believe it’s cause I judged myself so much for not being as intelligent as Smart Girl throughout the entirety of junior high.    
     
part c) Oh, my absolute solitude...    
     
ʕ´•㉨•'ʔ    
     
Do you know what’s the best part of being an only child? I have a relatively good relationship with my parents (though we fight).    
     
Do you know what’s the worst part? When your parents leave...and you have to spend entire summer vacations, alone.      
     
(*)I believe I’ve spent like, 5 of them alone before now. Plus, I’m not including other school holidays because, that’s too many days I must remember that I spent alone. I’ll feel so sad if I think of all of them :((    
     
You can guess how much time I had to ruminate about my life and my existence. So, I can confidently say that by Grade 11, I thought I was a worthless piece of carbon exhaling garbage breath onto every person I met.    
     
Being alone and unable to express my feelings with anyone probably “helped” me develop social anxiety and perfectionist anxiety even before high school.    
But, no one told me I had to go to a counsellor until the 2nd half of Grade 12.      
(Talk about being too late, yikes. ><)    
     
I think the only thing that kept me sane were (haha you can laugh) my stuffed toys, and yes, I still talk to them even now.    
     
Also, one reading this probably is thinking about why I didn’t speak to my parents about my problems.      
     
Well yeah, my parents still love me,    
But, here’s what my mom said when I spoke to them about this (paraphrased):      
~“Your dad and I never understand what’s this mental health thing that everyone talks about. It’s all in your head, so work through it. When we were impoverished children in the Philippines, that’s what we did. So just do that.”    
     
Sounds simple, huh?    
     
So, that’s what I did. I studied through my feelings because, I didn’t know any better. No one really told me any better.      
Even when some of my good friends asked me what was wrong, it wasn’t like I was going to pour it straight on them like a waterworks.    
     
“I’ll just work through it.” I said as an excuse.    
     
༄ؘ Ending thoughts:    
Being so socially isolated to the point that you’re afraid to ask for advice, and think your feelings are invalid makes you...feel pretty shitty lol.    
(I’m sure many people reading this can relate haha~)    
     
This separation probably contributed to this fear I have of being judged constantly for my inadequacies because I still don’t have confidence that other people could relate to my suffering.      
Also, I’m still a little scared to ask them if they might.    
     
Instead, my first assumption is always that my friends will judge me for how insecure I feel, and will invalidate these feelings if I reveal it to them.    
     
✵彡✵彡✵彡    
     
Sup my reader~    
Thanks for reading to the end of part 1 ʕ￫ᴥ￩ ʔ I reallllly appreciate it.    
     
This article will be continued in part 2, where I talk about how the fear of being judged affects me today, and how I’m working through it.