The fear of always being secretly judged (~pt.2)

*This is a continuation of part 1 of this article with the same name ♡(ᐢ ᴥ ᐢし))  
*Both parts of this article include depictions of anxiety  

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦present day moi ˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ  
 
I have to admit that it’s very difficult to explain these emotions of my experiences because, this is like the first time I’m trying to explain them, lol.  
 
Though, with a little bit of faith, I’m trying to look beyond myself so I can help someone else who might feel the same way.  
 
Here’s what I’m still trying to work out because I have developed this fear over many, many years.  
 
1) Proving to myself that I’m “suffering” from shit  
 
 ₍ᐢ ̥ ̞ ̥ᐢ₎ ♥  
 
I hate when people pity me, and the word “suffering” just allows that. However, how else am I going to explain this fear? I’m “committing” it? I “solved” it?  
 
Well, I didn’t become scared out of my own accord, and no, I haven’t gotten rid of it. So...I guess, I’m still ‘suffering’ because of it.  
 
This issue is all about trying to validate what I am feeling, but honestly, it’s very hard when one can’t “see” a fear like this, like the image one gets when someone is afraid of heights.  
 
This type of fear developed over years of my existence, and culminates of many memories. Plus, I don’t have time to tell my life story to everyone. (Though, haha, writing an article on the Internet does help...)  
 
Also, if I don’t explain this properly, it might offend people who are more knowledgeable than me, but never mean to hurt me when they’re correcting me. If there’s anything I hate, it’s when people hate me. (Cause, I’m a bit of a people-pleaser heh.)  
 
But I need to be able to stand up for myself and say these feelings are valid.  
I need to say they have dominated my friendships, my insecurities, my family relationships, even parts of my identity and it contributes to my social anxiety + perfectionist battle I got goin’ on in me.  
 
If anything, I don’t want to be afraid to be imperfect anymore, and the first step is to realize that this fear is one of the problems, not the truth of my existence.  
 
2) So...actually not trying to be a 24/7 loner  
 
ヽ(・ω・ヽ*)♬  
 
Who needs friends?  
Well, everyone does.  
And yeah,  
I guess...I do too.  
 
I need to be able to trust people better, but I cannot just go up to any random acquaintance and pour out my soul to them. I need to be able to share these thoughts with someone I trust.  
 
The problem is, in the past, I haven’t found many people I could really trust yet.  
 
Like, I became friends with many people in my past that were mean and I couldn’t trust.  
And, I became friends with many that were decently nice, but kinda used me like a lab rat, so they could examine me in order to gain “friend” points.  
 
I need someone who can say both: “Yeah, I understand how you feel.” And can say, “I am always here for you.”  
 
So far, I’ve only found one person with whom I can share these feelings, and I can know that in her heart, she completely emphasizes with me. In fact, this confidence comes because I know what she’s been through, so she trusts me also.  
 
Though, having other friends who I may not be as close with helps too, because, with these friends, I can be grateful to live in this world, and not feel like absolute shit because I’m still living.  
 
In addition, it would very much help that I get to know my “smarter” friends better as humans so I can love and respect them, more than feel small around them.  
 
3) Taking my time, for as long as I want  
 
(❁ᴗ͈ ˬ ᴗ͈)ᶻᶻᶻ✧  
 
It has taken me a while to realize that these fears and insecurities are not like homework. If you say that they are, then what are you then? A textbook? A school project?  
 
I gotta see myself not as a problem to be solved, but as a human, who needs time, compassion, understanding, a little frustration and lots more, in order to get through life.  
 
In fact, I’ve watched a YouTuber (update - it’s Mayim Bialik from Big Bang Theory) who basically stated straight up that (not her exact words):  
Many mental health problems aren’t really solved in your lifetime.  
Many of them have to be dealt with for the rest of our lives...and this isn’t a rare phenomenon, but kinda common.  
 
It’s true, humans are never going to be an open book with clear instructions, so I will never be one.  
 
I just have to give myself space to figure this all out every day, and if I need to hug some stuffed toys or cry or do anything else unusual just cause I feel scared, envious and horrible...then it’s perfectly okay~  
 
We are always a work-in-progress. There’s nothing wrong with allowing ourselves to grow.  
 
Allow trust in yourself, like you should allow trust in a good friend.  
 
4) Stopping myself from proving my worth to other people  
 
 ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶  
 
This one... is particularly difficult for me.  
 
As I’ve explained before, for a while, my self-worth primarily consisted of numbered academic grades on stapled pages in Times New Roman font.  
And, it’s still very easy to hate myself nowadays because I got a “bad” grade.  
 
So, as I’m still in university (which emphasizes focusing on my grades) I need to be able to look beyond defining academics (which other people use to evaluate me) as the entirety of my self-worth.  
 
The cheesy statement that your hypocrite professor makes still goes:  
“You are more than your grades.”  
 
It’s true. Even though that professor is one to speak.  
 
So that leaves the question. Who are “you” exactly, if “you are more than your grades” ?  
Well, that really requires some self-discovering, and, as hard as it is, I think that writing an article like this really helps because it’s a type of self-reflecting.  
 
If you’re having a problem reflecting about who you are, then, do anything to get your thoughts out, like posting as much as you want on DU poetry. Even if it means revealing some of the ugliest parts of yourself (but of course, it doesn’t have to all be on the internet lol)  
 
5) Looking beyond yourself and being grateful  
 
d(⸝｡⸝◉⸝ω⸝◉⸝｡⸝)b  
 
The truth is, I am not the only person living on this planet. If I was, then none of the shit I’m typing on, searching on, doing pretty much anything on, would exist.  
 
My life, would not exist as it is today, without other people, without their inventions, and without their organs. Literally.  
 
My life, is the culmination of the love of my parents, the mystery of stardust + science, the hard work of many employees around the world and the kindness of my friends, so I must respect that.  
 
Yeah, I might be suffering, but, it is not like I am absolutely nothing as a person and my life is absolutely made of nothing either. My life is made from many other people and matter, biologically, physically and metaphorically.  
 
Moreover, I used to think it was some cheesy zen stuff, but, meditation really helps me not hate myself for where I am in this stage of my life right now.  
 
As you know, many people are staying at home right now because of the pandemic.  
For most of my life, I had stayed at home and it had felt like I was just an invisible hermit that barely any people who were passing outside my house knew was inside. Heck, I wasn’t even allowed to answer the door when I was home alone. For much of my past time, you could say I had to hide from people.  
 
Therefore, I hated myself because I felt so disconnected, and for a while, it seemed like quarantine was just a repeat disaster of that. But, meditation, it makes you feel alive when you cannot feel like you are.  
 
It connects you to gravity, the planet, the people you love, the people that love you, and it helps you connect to yourself.  
 
In my personal experience, even if you aren’t religious, there is nothing more liberating than saying the sentence: “I exist for a reason.”  
 
I use the app “Smiling Mind” which has all its meditations completely free, is a run by non-profit organization, has meditations for young and old, and the app looks pretty slick too.  
 
✵彡✵彡✵彡  
 
~Ending thoughts:  
I hope that whatever you may be going through that you are working through it like I am. We all suffer together, yeah?  
 
To be frank, I still got days where I’m in my room alone, still paranoid about some arbitrary force dumping my insecurities and flaws on me.  
And, I definitely still get times where I feel small around my intelligent friends (who must correct my grammar sometimes.)  
But, I realize that as perfect as my friends seem to me, (though obviously they’re really not) I can never “be” any my friends.  
I can only “be” me. And there isn’t any shame in that.  
 
It is crucial to get to a point where you are not completely hating yourself for being you.  
If you feel like that now, well, I know how you feel (I’m sure many reading this do too), but it’s toxic.  
 
Saying you are “nothing” or “I have no life” is only a joke on the internet, and I recommend not bringing it into your personal life.  
 
Besides that, I’m grateful that you, my reader, had scrolled down to this point. You don’t know how grateful I am, really.  
 
I only wish the best for you, and we will get through this together~  
 
See you in another life ✼:♡*ﾟ✿₍˶ˆ꒳ˆ˶₎ ლ (byee :)