Please Don’t Call Me Racist!

I’ll sneer that working-class folk smell
of mammoth’s farts and cannot spell,
while claiming I’m left-wing as hell,
just please, don’t call me racist!

I’ll never think outside my box,
my words will all be orthodox,
I’ll suck a thousand black men’s cocks,
just please, don’t call me racist!

I’ll hop across to Volgograd
and tell those untermenschen, Vlad
and Igor, that their views are bad,
just please, don’t call me racist!

I’ll spit on Stephen Oppenheimer,
wash my face in chicken korma,
hug a ticking suicide bomber,
just please, don’t call me racist!

I’ll say Mohammed is my mate,
ignore the Delhi Sultanate,
scoop out my eyes onto a plate,
just please, don’t call me racist!

I’ll talk in fake Jamaican patois,
clap the Salman Rushdie fatwa,
shrug if Leeds becomes an abattoir,
just please, don’t call me racist!

I’ll flay the white skin off my face,
agree that Denmark’s a disgrace,
agree that Muslims are a race,
just please, don’t call me racist!

You see, I’ll have to change my name,
I’ll shit my pants, I’ll choke with shame,
I’ll burst into a ball of flame
if someone calls me racist.